28 November 2013

Whyyy facebook, whyyy?

Why did I rejoin facebook? Although I only joined five days ago, I'm already contemplating deactivating my account. I literally feel the impulse to check it every five seconds, for no other reason than to see who comes up on the search bar when I type every letter of the alphabet, to check on whether anyone has sent me a message or submitted a friend request, and to review my ever stagnant timeline. Nothing is happening, yet I continue to go back in the hopes something has changed. Each time I sign it, I feel like I lose a piece of my soul. It's a soul-sucking vortex, I tell you. Even tonight, I signed on a few times, despite being surrounded by family in celebration of the holiday, and felt guilty each time I snuck away for a another facebook peek.

When reviewing my activity log, I discovered that a friend had deleted several posts I had entered into his timeline. That pissed me off. Aside from sending him a message voicing my thoughts, I then deleted him as a friend, reducing my overflowing group of friends from four to three. I'm cool like that. I'm not getting much out of facebook other than the hope that something potentially good could come of it in the future, like expanding my social connections. At the present time, the inactivity is not sitting well with me, and I have the urge to escape. It feels like I'm at a party, sitting in a corner, hoping for someone to reach out and initiate something with me, to throw me a bone. I sip from my cup slowly, peering up at the crowd before me, preparing for my exit. It feels right, this getting ready to leave. It's that awkward moment when you wish you never showed up and wonder why you did.

It reminds me of a party I went to a year or so after college. It was either a birthday party or a graduation party of a friend I used to be close with in high school but lost touch with in college. I was not very well acquainted with her group of friends and though I debated attending the event, I ultimately decided to go, out of respect for my friend and wanting to be a good sport. It was such an uncomfortable experience. I remember feeling so out of place and not knowing what to do or say. All of her friends knew each other and were grouped together chatting, and I just could not bring myself to maneuver myself into the conversation, so I sat off to the side. A boyfriend of one of my friend's friends sat beside me and talked to me a little bit, but even that was awkward. At one point, I talked to my friend's mom and at another point, I tried talking to two other girls who were engaged in conversation and I got the feeling they didn't want me to be included. It was such a feeling of not belonging that I felt and it so parallels how I feel on facebook. Even my friend, who I considered to be a close confidante, can't be bothered with me. 

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