24 November 2013

I was twenty one days into this caffeine free life, when things went a bit wrong. Okay, things went very wrong. So last night, I went to the city to visit a close friend. It has been ages since we have hung out and I have been looking forward to this moment. Two months ago and I would have been truly present in the moment and focused solely on our meeting, but last night, I had some other things weighing on my mind, namely this guy at work, who I have been into since September, when we connected and I first felt the sparks and saw the signs that meant he was interested, or so I thought. Anyway, so even though I have not seen him in nearly a month, and was in the process of making every effort to move past him, thoughts of him continued to pop up even during my train ride downtown last night. It kinda put a damper on my excitement, not fully but partially, as my mind wasn't fully focused on the impending get together with my friend. So I take the train down to Market East in Philly, and meet my friend at the loading dock upon exiting. We exchange pleasantries. This involves me jumping up and down and freaking out about finally seeing him and telling him he looks like he did in college, and him responding that we need to stop at CVS on the way to his place. He seemed stressed and was nowhere near as hyped as me, which made me feel kinda bad. I ask him what's up and he tells me he's just been very busy all day, cleaning his place and preparing for tonight. We then go to CVS, where he purchases some toiletries and a few cleaning products. Afterward, we stroll to the subway, taking it to the stop nearest his place, and then walk the remainder of the way in the cold, passing by the hospital where he used to work, on our way. Upon entering the house he's currently renting, with two other roommates, he shows me through the space, and then we sit down at the dining room table to talk over champagne. All is going well. He then introduces me to his roommates, who also enjoy some champagne with us while we discuss relationships for a bit. At one point, something reminds me of the coworker I've been thinking about, and I can't help but drop him into the convo. No one seems to care and it makes me wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut. His roommates then go out to the bar and we agree to text them later in the evening, after we get a bite to eat. My friend and I, at my urging, sing 'Everything has changed.' So then some crazy ish goes down. Basically, my friend is on facebook, and I have this urge to tell him to look up my coworker, after feeling a slight hesitation to make such a request. He had previously told me he'd searched for him weeks prior, but was unable to find him. After scrolling down, I immediately see a photo of him and a woman and say 'He has a girlfriend.' My stomach sinks. My friend opens the page,'That's him?' 'Yes, he has a girlfriend.' He clicks on the guy's main page. My friend says, 'Oh my gosh, he's married!' I try to maintain my composure, while my stomach is doing acrobatics. I confirm it with my own eyes. 'Oh my God.' My friend says, 'He just got married, yesterday.' 'Or at least, recently,' I respond. We sift through the photos, depicting said coworker and his wife and friends. Shame washes over me in droves. I sit in disbelief before getting up and exclaiming that this is crazy, how did I misread the signs, this explains why I haven't seen him in a month. This explains the vacation. This explains why a coworker congratulated him for an inaudible reason, which I half-jokingly assumed was due to an engagement or marriage, but hadn't been able to secure any concrete proof. In fact, I've been analyzing the situation for a month, wondering what the heck went wrong, why everything that had at first seemed so right had fallen through and stopped making sense when I'd stopped seeing him around the office. Seeing his facebook page provided closure. However, I felt so torn over the whole situation. I needed time to think. I wanted to go home and reflect on it further, but my friend and I had plans. I came all this way and didn't want to ruin the evening, but was feeling quite emotional. Shortly thereafter, despite my internal struggle to accept this new reality, we went to dinner, followed by two bars. It actually turned out to be quite fun. More on that later. However, I didn't get the sleep I needed and felt I deserved to implement some leniency on myself just for today, so I had a few cups of coffee and had a box of double chocolate cookies. Problem solved. New beginnings. Also, I rejoined facebook for the first time in seven years. I figured, ah what the hell. There's not much to lose, but much to gain with some potential future connections and I consider it a new little hobby. My instinct was demanding that I do it, so I followed through as soon as I returned home, while sipping my first cup after the twenty-some day hiatus. It felt good. Overall, I'm just happy to have uncovered this critical detail about my 'crush' sooner rather than later, despite it still hurting a bit. It mostly took me by surprise. However, as my friend put it, 'Better to have a few weeks of moroseness over the whole situation, than months upon months to a year or so without knowing and then experiencing extreme hurt in the end, and wasting all that time, because you weren't aware.' Another tidbit of advice he gave me, 'Be sure to check out the hardware' as that is my flaw. I fail, every single time, to check the digits for a ring. In this case, it likely would not have resolved anything as I don't think he was wearing the ring, and do believe he just got married before I stopped seeing him around the office. However, it's good to keep in mind. Sparks or not, facts are facts, and better to go in with all the details than be blindsided and experience the blow. So that's my lesson learned this time around. Also, I realize that if I'm questioning things too much (ie. overanalysis in overdrive) or making excuses, that's never a good sign. Another positive: everything happens for a reason and for one's greatest good. If it's meant to be, it will be.

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