12 November 2013

Number 9 - John Lennon. In other words, day 9 of detox!

Okay, I had to post a John Lennon song title as the headline...why? Because it's day 9 of the detoxxxx. Number 9. Let's repeat that fifty times fast. I can't believe it. Okay, maybe I can. Okay, maybe I really can't. I returned to work today. The first half of the day? Wonderful. The last half (ie. lunchtime, onward) not so much. There are multiple reasons for my fluctuating feelings throughout the work day, but for the purpose of staying on topic, I will state that I did crave chocolate and coffee today, but only after lunchtime, mainly on the way home as I had an outpouring of emotions that I was able to unleash at that time. There were a few moments strewn throughout the day in which I thought to myself, 'hmmm, could use some coffee,' or 'hmm, that feeling of pure bliss, how I could use some of that in my life,' particularly as I felt struck with exhaustion and sadness in the late afternoon, unable to focus on much other than my feeling completely done for the day, ready to pack it in and say peace and cry me a river. If I reflect on the day and break it down into manageable pieces, it would appear something to the tune of:

8:00 a.m. Feeling great, ready to conquer today, refreshed and ready to go. A bit anxious and excited to see a certain coworker -- mostly excited.

9:00 a.m. Arrive to work. Condemn the cold weather under my breath as I march toward the building. Why does it have to be so cold? The anxiety and negative thoughts start to take hold. Damn, did I really miss this? The stress I feel when realizing I had 15 voicemails! The emails, the paperwork, the fifty other inbox items, all demand my immediate attention. It is too much. I sit frozen for a few minutes. Chat with a coworker about his assistance while I was out for the past three work days. This comforts me a bit. He didn't realize today I was set to return. He thought my return date was tomorrow.

9:10 a.m. Still a bit unsure as far as where to start. Hell, totally scared and feeling like I'm drowning in a deep, dark abyss. I panic as I fight to claw my way out, as fast as possible. I attack from all angles.

10:00 a.m. Things are not going bad. In fact, they're going better than good. Not only have I returned all of my voicemail messages, but I notice my complexion has improved somewhat and therefore, have a little pep in my step. That, and the fact that I have had off a few days has rejuvenated me. I'm feeling confident. I've smiled and chatted with a few people.

10:15 a.m. Against my better judgment, I spy on a certain coworker's inbox for probably the 10th time today. I use the term 'spy' loosely. I peek, just to ensure his presence is nearby. Hell, I deserve to look. I'm not allowed caffeine, I've eschewed gluten from my diet, and I've nearly gone through an entire cycle without chocolate? His inbox is screaming for my attention. It's my little deviance. He's definitely backkkk at workkkk. I'm pretty sure I do a little celebratory dance in my seat. How do I know? His inbox started at 77 activities and was quickly reducing to the 50s, then 30s, then 20s. I'm feeling rather competitive as I attempt to catch up and reduce mine down from 50 to 30. I'm making progress. Yay for me.

11:00 a.m. Still making headway in getting caught up on my workload. Having an imaginary race with that certain coworker, trying to accomplish inbox items faster than him. Wow, my face is looking not too shabby. The redness isn't as visible. My lips look a pretty shade of pink (I catch a glimpse in the bathroom mirror). I feel confident and look fresh and lively. I return to my desk after a bathroom break and make some more phone calls, reduce my inbox activities some more, still attempting to catch up with the 'certain coworker.' I wonder if he's competing with me. Doubt it. Well, maybe... (the idealist within me surfaces).

12:45 p.m. I notice 'certain coworker' has reduced his activities to about 24. I'm a bit jealous as I haven't gotten mine that low as of yet, but I'm getting closer. The adrenaline rush has worn off some. Why haven't I seen so and so? Doesn't he miss me? I'm not really hungry as I had a huge bowl of GF oatmeal with raisins and lots of fruit for breakfast, but it's getting closer to when I take my lunch. I keep checking his inbox, like I'm on an assembly line, routinely packaging one box after another. Check inbox. Take a break. Enter his inbox yet again. I can't help myself. It's become a bit of a compulsion. I grow a bit dismayed at the fact that his inbox activities remain at 24 after about an hour. The sinking feeling starts. The coffee craving strikes. Lots of emotions starting to circulate. I could really use a cup of bliss right now. He probably went to lunch... (the realist says).

1:15 p.m. It's lunchtime, but I'm not that hungry. Hell, it was lunchtime 15 minutes ago, but I decided at that time to stick around in case I miss the certain coworker. At fifteen minutes after, I have a change of heart. Too much obsessing over him. Still holding out hope he will manifest himself at some point between now and the end of the day, I figure, why not pass some time in my car and eat to expedite the process. I sit out in my car, chomp on some peanut butter rice cakes (not consciously--in fact, it's only when I peer into the plastic bag I brought with me and see one remaining, that I realize I must have eaten the other two as I know I had made three), and stomp back to the office in the cold, tightening my coat around my body and shunning the cold, wishing it away even before exiting my car, as a woman in passing curses the weather along with me. 'I'm not ready for this,' she comments. 'I know, it's so cold.' A few steps later and I'm inside. Back to work. Bummer.

3:00 p.m. Lethargy. Low energy. Feeling a bit down but still hopeful as I embark on the two hour journey to destination 'end of work day.' Minutes later....why am I feeling so emotional? Wait, are those tears coming on just now? I pull myself together, in an effort to curtail the crying session. My anxiety is mounting every time I hear footsteps near my cubicle. I check so and so's inbox unintentionally at this point, not wanting to do myself any more harm, but I can't restrain myself, so I give in to my misery, and notice his inbox is still stuck at 24. This can only mean one of very few things: a) he has left for the day... maybe he took a half day?, b) he's doing work outside the office the latter part of the day, c) he was never in the office and merely worked from home the entire day , d) he didn't have work today and merely got caught up on his last day of vacation, e) he's fooling around and not doing anything (but still in the office) -- unlikely scenario -- doubtful, or he would have visited my area or tried to see me, no?, f) FML. I can only speculate on options 'a' through 'e.' The only option I am certain applies, is 'f.'

4:00 p.m. Taking slow strides to the finish. Trying to use what little effort I have to move forward with tasks that need to be completed. Feeling unmotivated, tired, and sensitive. Sad because I never got to see the guy I've been thinking about nonstop.

5:00 p.m. Show's over. Thankfully, I can cry on the way home. Contemplate having some chocolate when I get home. Rationalize why this would be acceptable: serotonin benefits, dairy/gluten free option, merit. Go back to why I have eliminated caffeine in all forms and review the benefits.

6:00 p.m. Arrive home, eat some chili (perfect for today's weather--would have loved to talk to the guy at work about the weather given our conversation a few weeks ago regarding same--so unfortunate).

So that's what today looked like. There were of course many complex moments and emotions I didn't share, like the fact that I have dark circles under my eyes and still feel medicated from the thyrogen. I still feel 'off' given the treatment, and not totally myself. There's the fact also that I ripped a realtor a new one (okay, not really, but sorta) in email format because he wouldn't allow me to see a property without pre-approval, even though I didn't want to incur the fee of getting the pre-approval and would prefer to do so only after determining whether or not I'm interested enough to put in an offer. There's the fact that I feel like I'm overextending myself at work and not giving myself enough respite or credit, and despite knowing this, I continue to overextend myself and lately, have felt like crying in the late afternoon for the last few weeks. There's the fact that thyca is a you-know-what and I just wish I felt better. There's the fact that I'm craving intimacy, and the object of my affection is nowhere to be found, and I don't know how I'll feel when I finally see him. Oh wait, I do know. I'll be shaky and crazy happy, even though I'm silently trying to block him out of my mind right now.

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