30 December 2015

So today has been a rather good day thus far. I had an interview this morning and it was held by two women, one of whom I knew, which I didn't realize until I entered the room. This woman worked for my family doctor all throughout my childhood. I remembered seeing her there. She handled the front desk administrative duties and worked with her mother. I remember the past few times going to my family doctor, wondering where she went and why she no longer worked there.

As I entered the room, she held my resume up to her face and said, 'Wait, I know you,' and lowered the paper to reveal her face. She looked familiar, and it was then that she mentioned my family doctor's name, and I told her I had wondered where she had gone. It's funny how life comes full circle sometimes and you run into familiar people in the weirdest of places and scenarios.

It reminded me of a few months ago, feeling really guilty for how I had treated this one coworker at my job prior to my most recent job. This guy was a friendly guy, but he got on my nerves at times, and there were times that the stress got to me and I took my frustration out on him. I can think of three or four instances that I really cringe to recall, because I really wasn't the nicest to him. One day, he actually came into the office with a cat calendar, somehow knowing that I'd love it, and I was so thankful, but secretly wondered how he could be nice to such a b----, given how I'd acted toward him those several times. Somehow he always rose above any underlying tension to extend an olive branch through striking up conversation with me.

When I left that company, actually resigning without another job lined up because I was so fed up with the job, I later thought of how I had treated him, and felt very guilty. Interestingly, the office where I had worked shut down only five or six months after I had left, and I ended up finding out through a coworker, whose husband worked for one of the other offices that had closed within the state. I started to think more about this coworker, and at one random time, this wife of the other former coworker told me that she'd run into the guy of whom I'd been thinking, let's call him WM. So she mentioned her husband had some of his coworker friends over and WM was one of the attendees. She mentioned how he struck her as a bit odd and she asked me about this, and I was so surprised that she'd actually mentioned him when I'd been thinking about him and feeling bad about how I had treated him.

I told her he was so nice and I wished I could speak with him. Then... sure enough... so there was a night or two that I prayed to God that I would somehow be able to reach closure with WM.

Well, don't you know it but not long after, I went to NYC with my friend -- last April -- to see Jessie Ware in concert at Terminal 5. On the way home, I raced to catch the train and my friend actually kept the conductor waiting and they had a bit of a back and forth as the conductor wanted the doors closed and my friend kept urging him to wait and called for me as I was racing down the stairs of the escalator. I was able to board, by God's will, and so I'm standing in the aisle, sweating and with my heart beating a mile a minute because of the intensity of having been the cause of the hold up and having everyone on board witness. A few guys up front joked, saying my name, mimicking my friend, who had been calling to me, and said 'geez, like it's the end of the world,' since there had been such a fuss between the conductor and my friend to keep the car waiting for me. I felt so embarrassed and kept my head down, my body shaking with nervousness and sweat pooling on my skin.

A few stops later, the car starts to unload and is not as jam-packed as initially. Anyway, so the third or so stop in, I take a seat, but don't look around, still feeling ashamed that everyone had witnessed me making a fool of myself, given the whole boarding fiasco. Shortly thereafter, the guy next to me gets up, a stop or so later, and I see that it's WM! I'm like 'WM! Omg! I didn't know you were sitting there.' I then asked him for his contact info and he told me his email address. I felt so ecstatic and befuddled that fate literally placed me beside him in the train car, when I'd been wanting to express my apologies for my behavior in the office. Well... I did get my closure to a large degree as we exchanged emails and I said I really felt bad for being rude to him at times, and he said he understood, given the stress of the environment.

I guess I just can't help but think of how things sometimes manifest when you ponder certain things. It's weird how the universe works like that, but I truly do believe sometimes you can manifest your desires through prayer and contemplation...

There is a book I'm reading right now which touches on the topic of making sure to think positively, and you might not see the importance of such a notion, and it's hard to think positive sometimes when you're feeling down or just are in a rut, but I think it is sometimes a good idea to just let go and embrace the present, and see what gifts unfold from there.

29 December 2015

Life after reality tv and hollywood gossip sites.

So, I feel like I'm transitioning into this stage... and have been, for the past year... where I'm shifting the focus to my world, my thoughts, my life, and drifting from that state in which I fawn over celebrities and their drama, either via watching reality tv shows (namely Real Housewives and KUWTK), and via online websites (like the Daily Mail, my fav).

I didn't even realize the kind of impact it was having, immersing myself in these shows and reading the celebrity gossip all the time. In hindsight, these things served as a distraction from my own life, and also were a way to pass the time without having to exert much effort, after a hectic day at work. You know, just zone out and read about the crazy lives of celebrities and watch the Real Housewives and Kardashians engage in drama amongst themselves.

I had previously analyzed the possible impact these shows were having on my life, but I sloughed it off, because it was just such an ingrained habit, and as you know, habits are intensely difficult to break, especially when they've been part of your daily routine for years. I remember first watching the RHONY in college, senior year, second semester. It had me instantly hooked, with the drama between Jo & Slade. I had been a year out from a breakup at the time and it was the perfect thing to divert my mind.

Not long after, I starting watching KUWTK, Real World, and Jersey Shore. Before I knew it, I was a reality show junkie. I can't say when I started to look at celebrity gossip websites. I first liked PopSugar but they changed the layout of their website and the manner in which they delivered content, which I didn't like, so I stopped going to that site and at some point, I can't recall when, but at least 2-4 years ago, frequenting the Daily Mail site had become a daily habit.

It wasn't until having my heart broken again last year, that I started examining my habits, and how they were influencing my life. Obviously, I saw how coffee and chocolate was getting me revved up and making me anxious, and I subsequently eliminated coffee from my diet, and have cut way down on the chocolate intake. It is now that I cannot watch Real Housewives anymore, because I see how devoid of value it is and how it serves no purpose but to perpetuate this glorification of the lives of others and their conflicts.

These shows completely detract from the core essence of life, which is to live and be expressive in one's own right, and not to just sit back and watch things happen. So yeah, I've definitely been in the habit of just watching others do things while I sit idly by, and I don't want to be that person anymore. Also, it's numbed me from elements of my own life to which I should be attentive, like the desires of my heart and soul.

So here I sit, at 30 years old, having just been awakened from a stupor it feels like, and it's bittersweet. It's bitter because it took me this long to really have reality shake me and say 'look, this is what this is doing... this is your life,' and I sit here in need of major revamping of my interests and hobbies, and it's sweet because at least I still have time, God willing, to make a change.

What's that Gandhi saying? Be the change you wish to see in the world. It's true. At times it's hard to change habits when everyone else is doing it and it feels like since everyone else is doing it, you might as well just keep doing it because you may never meet someone with the same perspective, and if everyone is numbed out with bad habits, what hope is there in this life? Yet, then I think about how I'm doing this for myself. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this to clear out the gunk so that my conscious state is about the present, the here and now, the goings on in the world -- the REAL world, not the faux real world, if ya know nom sayin'.

It's about getting back to the basics. Getting a feel for what is going on, improving my life and becoming more well rounded in an attractive sense, not a societal sense. It's being true to myself and knowing what is real and what is not. Living in the here and now. Living.

It's about not minding that I have a bundle cable plan that includes tv, phone, and internet, and now, what is there left to watch? and should I feel guilty for not watching tv anymore since what else is there to watch? It's about exploring new things and seeing where this new life takes me.

It's not about feeling guilty for just getting to this point now, and kicking myself for not having this realization earlier, and somewhat wasting precious time over the past several years watching these people live their lives on tv and in the tabloids. It's about being okay with that being where I was then and thankful that I learned a valuable lesson and have the opportunity to grow from this.

It will be interesting to see where I am 6 months down the line. Surely I will have my slip ups and maybe not know what to do with myself in my down time, but it will be quite the feat to figure it out, and in the process, live life. Real life, yo.

Never underestimate the power of the addictive voice.

I was actually going to label this post 'never underestimate the power of organizing your place,' because I just organized my living space and feel much more clear-headed now, but I notice when I'm organized and bored, my addictive voice kicks in telling me to do all those things I've worked hard to get away from doing.

It's weird how that works. Maybe it's not that weird and it's just the nature of recycled thoughts. They say it takes forever to break a habit. It truly does. I know this from experience. You will have thoughts that convince you it's okay if you do a little of this and a little of that. Just a little won't hurt, it urges you. Before you know it, you're reaching for that little bit of what won't hurt. Yet, it's not that it hurts right away when you engage in the bad habit you've been trying to break. It's the aftermath that's the worst. Afterwards, there's the myriad internal reprimands for having just done that thing that's out to destroy you. Okay, so maybe destroy is too forceful a word. That thing that wants to see you remain stuck.

It's a fine line between not being overly restrictive and crossing into dangerous territory. I'll use caffeine as an example. Christmas is in the air so you figure, what's a little chocolate? You deserve it. The holiday blues have hit hard and you need a release. As you sit there you think, what is it that I need? I feel like I need something. Then it hits you. CHOCOLATE. So you go to the fridge, and what do you see? A bar of Hershey's dark. Okay, one day's not going to kill me. So you delight in the fact that you're giving yourself a break. A much deserved one, duh. You deserve this. You've waited so long for this and you need it, deserve it, owe it to yourself.

Looking at all the lovey dovey couples out there, you need some reprieve. So you chew that chocolate bar in all your angst and feel the tension melt away. You feel happy.

Yet it's just a ruse. The happiness is fleeting, and an hour or so later, you're feeling tired and have no energy. The following day, you can barely keep your eyes open throughout the day and you drift into a depression. What's that you say, mind? Some more chocolate? There's another whole Hershey's bar in the fridge? What's the harm, you think. You go for the second and down it in one fell swoop. Okay, not one fell swoop exactly, but you get the idea.

This becomes a pattern. Then there's those chocolate cookies, made just for you. Then you're given a literal box of chocolates for Christmas. Is there some metaphor being conveyed here? Is this a test? If it is, I'm failing. So I've eaten three full Hershey bars at this point, many chocolate peanut butter cookies, and now two Lindor chocolate truffles. I mean, seriously. This thing is outta hand.

You're keeping it together, but you're barely above water.

Today, I told myself, two more Lindor chocolate truffles. Just until the box is done. It's sitting there, this gold box. These truffles are waiting to be eaten.

They're not even that good. They have an artificial flavor.

Makes me want to go get some authentic caffeine, some Pike Blend from Starbucks. That way at least it's the real stuff.

Did I mention I got two Starbucks cards for Christmas?

Yet, I've resisted the voice telling me to indulge in those Lindor chocolate truffles, and I'm not getting that Pike Blend which will cause my anxiety to spike out the ying.

I'm keeping it caffeine free. Trying to carry out without my vice, even if it keeps calling me....

26 December 2015

Texting / online dating drama

So I've been thinking... about my primary dating dilemmas. I swear I could write a whole book on the travesties of online dating, for how long I've been at it. It has been an embarrassingly long stint. To think some people NEVER do online dating, either out of pure disinterest, or because they found someone without it, is crazy to me. I admire and envy those people.

Sometimes I wonder why I even persist when all it does is get me nowhere. You know that expression: when you keep doing the same things, expect the same results. Yeah, well my online dating experience is an epitome of that phrase. I've gone on so many dates, and it's led me to the same place every time... back to being alone and single and even more frustrated with the passage of time.

Now I'm all about experiences. Hell, I even answered the okcupid question, 'would you rather have good things happen to you or interesting things,' with the obvious: 'interesting,' of course. Haha. Well, the joke's on me, because this experience is getting old and wearing me down and causing my hopes to shrivel. It's actually gotten worse, too.

At least before, guys would actually call to set up the date. Now, everything happens via text. It's communication via messaging or email on the sites and then it segues to sms and then before you know it, you've met, and ah, yes, back to lovely sms again. Kill. me.

You see, the average person maybe doesn't mind sms. In fact, I'm sure of this, as everyone in my social circle uses sms as their primary means of communication. I get it. I didn't join the club until about a year or so ago. I've never been a fan of texting. And when I say never, I truly do mean never. I mean, I've always been irritated by it for as far back as I can remember. Sure, I used it to correspond with people several years ago. Not often, but when dating and occasionally to keep up with friends. I only started to really engage and tried to get into it a year or so ago, when a guy I liked was texting me. I thought, hmm, maybe I just need to adapt with the times. Yet, no siree. Not for me.

It allows for so many misinterpretations. In fact, right now, my one friend and I aren't on speaking terms because he misinterpreted what I wrote, and I was too lazy to call to explain. I figured, if he didn't care to dig for the deeper meaning, that's on him, not me. He knows I'm not a texter. In fact, I make it clear to everyone I meet, esp the guys from the dating sites. And what do they do? Persist with texting me. Lol. I have to laugh about it, because I can't help but think it's kind of comical.

There have been times I have complained at family gatherings, to my aunt, mom, and grandmom about this modern day quandary when it comes to dating, and they have suggested I tell the guy I prefer the phone. If he is really interested, he'll call, right? Well, oddly, no. Most, if not all, guys continue to text, despite me explaining that I am not a texter. It is such a turn off to me to even have to state this, that sometimes the conversation dies because I get sick of conversing via text and the guy doesn't bother to follow up or anything, and sometimes there's a conflict, and the guy cannot face it so they just disappear.

This is so common it's disheartening. It makes me wonder if there are any true gentlemen out there today who are old school like me and actually want to converse--like truly communicate, in a personal manner. I'm sorry I'm not into lame communication?

Sometimes I wonder if there is a guy like me out there who shares this sentiment.

I talked to my friend about it and we concluded that in order to date someone in this society, one must be down with the initial texting phase. Yet, it's so hard for me to acquiesce. I've tried. No, I've actually acquiesced. Yet, it always ends the same anyway. The lame ass who couldn't communicate... it turns out he can't actually communicate and we're better off not dating.

It seems like a fairly simple formula to me. Only texts = can't communicate/can't deal with personal interaction. It's tried and true. Trust me, I've had much experience with it.

The tricky part is to NOT get sucked into this texting chimera from the get go. And it is tempting not to give in sometimes, believe me. It seems like there's no hope otherwise, and what if this guy is the catch of the century. Well, ladies you can rest assured that the catch of the century is not wooing his woman with text after text, asking bs questions like 'how is your afternoon,' and 'why don't you come take a walk with me?' Um no thank you.

Call me jaded by the texting drama, but I'm so done with it. Like, you will not see me initiating any more texts. Sure, I will respond politely to those who try to engage with me in this manner, but I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate lame ass guys who can't communicate. It is true that guys who are bad communicators resort to texting. It is true, I tell you to save you the annoying experience.

25 December 2015


It's Christmas y'all. I remember when I was younger, it would bother me when people would write 'x-mas.' It seemed wrong to me. Like, something dark to have the x cancel out the whole meaning of the word. Oh well, I've now gotten over it and don't mind it and actually prefer the abbreviation when communicating via text.

Got up this morning and thought about life, as I typically do, and how I'm going to first go to my parents' house to exchange gifts and eat, and then visit my grandmom in a nursing home. We'll probably play cards. Not sure if my aunt and uncle will be there.

These past few days have been quite anxiety inducing as I've reflected on this past year and how it's been quite the whirlwind, with a lot having happened in the disheartening sense. To keep afloat in the midst of it all hasn't been easy. I'm starting to get back to journaling how I feel, at night. Last night, having written, I realized how much I want things to be a certain way and get frustrated when they aren't the way I want at the time I want them.

There was this sense of peace that kind of came over me as I was writing, which urged me to go with the flow and let things unfold naturally, rather than try to force things either via exerting actual force or willing them to happen with all my might through thought or prayer.

It just feels better to kind of let go of the fear that nothing will ever be right, and I will always be fighting the tide. It's empowering to let go, because it relieves the heavy burden that dampens your spirit and makes you feel like everything is out of control and spiraling downward fast. I didn't realize how entrenched in that mindset I was, until I started writing down my thoughts and had this epiphany.

So I woke up this morning with a fresh perspective, and it is helping to center me, which I'm quite thankful for, since it is Christmas, and this is the holiday that tends to get to me the most for some reason.

So here's wishing a happy x-mas to the rest of the world, and hoping that everyone finds it in their heart and soul to go with the flow and not let the fear of the unknown or the ghosts of your past ruin the holiday spirit. xxx

24 December 2015

Today is Christmas Eve. Well actually, tonight is. It's probably the most sad Christmas Eve I've had in a while. No wait, last year was. The year before last year's Christmas Eve was quite depressing too though, so I have to say it's actually been a while since I've had a pleasant Christmas Eve.

So many changes have happened over the past year. You'd think I'd be on the brink of becoming my better self or something. You'd think I wouldn't feel so down tonight. Something is in the air, I guess. It has been for quite a while, and it's just bubbled to the surface this past year, and I've seen everything for what it truly is, without the coated layer of idealism.

No longer do I use Twitter. I used to spit out my thoughts on there, thinking it was getting me somewhere. It wasn't. I've changed dating sites. Kept the one out of two from last year, removed the other, and added another. Still sometimes trying the same thing and expecting different results. Am realizing this is not the best approach, but old habits truly do die hard, and it's hard to switch up what you're doing, even if you know it's for your greatest good. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm learning to use my instinct, as I've been concealing it with various coping mechanisms. It's still hard though.

Today I've been thinking about all of the pain I've experienced this past year. The lost friendships, failed dating ventures, the disconnection from certain people I thought would always be there, who I realized were never actually there. Coming to terms with the fact that some people just aren't who you think they are and never will they be the image you have in your heart of them.

So that's my Christmas Eve in a nutshell. I've been resting most of the day. Haven't moved around much. Have just been reflecting mostly, and feeling sad, sentimental, and in a weird state, if you will.

23 December 2015

My life and all that jazz...

So I'm not sure how honest I should be on this blog. I'm looking for an outlet for my thoughts right now and don't feel like writing in my notebook and/or continuing with the novel I drafted for nanowrimo (you know, that novel drafted for national novelist's writer's month). Well actually, it's not a novel that I drafted, but rather more like a quarter of a full length novel. I surpassed the 50k word limit, but the plot is far from complete, so there's that... yeah... an incomplete story that I plan on completing at some point, but I needed to take a break this month because I pushed myself way hard last month and felt the burn. My body needed a break.

Anyway, I'm in between jobs at the moment, on two dating sites, moved to my own place back in June/July, still am not over that guy who basically ditched me last yr without explanation, and am working on achieving some goals. One: getting a new job. Two: getting back to yoga and meditation and walking outside. Three: having fun and taking care of myself.

Today I attended two job interviews and they went quite well. The one was for a sales position and the other was for a business Account Representative type role. I felt good about how I came across, but not too sure about my interest in the positions. The sales position seems like it would be a fun change from the doldrums desk job lifestyle I loathe. It would be a door to door sales type role at first that would later transition to greater responsibility, depending on performance. I feel like I would love moving around all day and interacting with people face to face and striving to reach the 3-5 weekly sales quota requirement. I fear it might not pay enough, however. The Account Representative role is one in which I would basically assist clients with the product they have purchased. It sounds far easier than claims adjusting, which I have been doing for a while now, which I am looking to escape from, for several reasons. However, I just got the feel from the interview that it's a typical corporate setting role in which I'll want to bang my head upon the desk from boredom and insanity in about four to six months, if not sooner. My eyes were glazing over with some of the redundant and mechanical type questions being asked of me, which gave me an inkling as to how I might feel on the job. The plus side? It's close to home. Literally, right around the corner. Think five mins tops. FIVE mins tops. I literally thought my GPS had me going in the wrong direction as I drove from the 1st interview to the 2nd, and even called my dad and told him my GPS was not leading me to the proper place but was rather leading me back home. I thought I'd need him to help me out with mapquest. Nope, it's literally less than five minutes from where I live.

It's weird because I kept hearing 'short commute' in my head earlier in the day, since that is one of the reasons why I left my second to last job. Guess it was my instinct telling me about this little gem of a situation.

Still doesn't change the fact that my instinct is that the position will bore me to tears.

As far as other changes happening, lately I've been walking outside. It's 60 degrees outside despite the fact that Christmas is two days away, which is crazy, and I half like it, and am half upset about it. I was driving to my parents' house the other day thinking, 'damn, this does not feel like Christmas.' It's only the fact that I'm not freezing that I appreciate it; that, and the fact that I still can take a walk around the complex where I live and not die from the cold.

Walking outside is soothing to the soul. If you don't do it, you should try it. I highly recommend it. It will reduce your emotional pain by at minimum, 50%. Okay, that's a purely personal and unscientific estimate, but I have truly found it to be quite the remedy to my harried thoughts and anxiety.

Speaking of walking outside, I quit the gym. Cancelled my planet fitness membership last night, having reflected a few days before on the fact that it was no longer benefiting me. All I use is the treadmill, and to race around, to get there and get home, it kills my night. The treadmill, if you don't realize this already, is boring as hell. I would use the elliptical, as I did for the first 6-10 months of this year, but then I realized it was messing with my stomach and digestion, so I had to switch to just walking on the treadmill, and it all went downhill from there. Actually, it helped me wean from my gym habit, which wasn't of substance upon reflection anyway. I'd rather walk outside, and do yoga. With yoga, I feel relaxed and it helps center me.

The gym was good for recovering from the heartbreak I experienced late last year. It helped me use that surge of adrenaline to get my body in shape for a brief bit and gave me an outlet for my frustration and sense of upset. I would listen to my ipod and just work it out on the elliptical. The cute guys I saw from time to time, lifting weights in front of me, didn't hurt either.

Therefore, I am thankful for the gym for the purpose it served. When reflecting on my life, it seems I always turned to the gym to contend with heartache. I did the same in college, and then of course, after the most recent (yet not quite recent anymore) heartache.

***TMI*** So in going to the gym regularly and stressing about my last job, etc., at some point my period went irregular again. By irregular, I mean, missing. So, I haven't had a period in about 6 months, which to the average person might be distressing, but to me, with taking thyroid medication and being irregular in the past, it's not that outrageous, and I know it's probably even more beneficial to stop going to the gym to help my body heal further from whatever issue is impending my period flow. I do think my thyroid medication is a factor here, but I also think the stress of racing back and forth to the gym and not really getting much out of walking on the treadmill, is not helping matters. That is where meditation and yoga is coming into play.

Last night I did my first yoga session in like, forever, and remembered why I love it so much. Gosh, I truly do. At first I was annoyed as hell with the youtube lady giving instructions and guiding the way, but then a few minutes in, I felt the tension leave my body, and it felt so good. It reminded me that sometimes to get to the good feelings, you need to push through the bad ones. Kind of like that Winston Churchill saying: If you're going through hell, keep going. Yeah. Definitely my life mantra at the moment. So, that is how yoga is helping, and the same can be said for meditation. Just sitting with those feelings and riding them out, helps me feel more centered.

The other night, no actually last night, I saw 'Working Girl,' with Melanie Griffith. Holy crap that is a good movie. My mom recommended I watch it, and at first, I was opposed because I was feeling depressed and wanted to just go home and cry myself to sleep, but I ended up watching it, and it gave me a whole new perspective on life and perseverance, and hope, and faithfulness/honesty.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Isn't it funny how moms can do that?

So, that's another example of pushing through discomfort to get to the other side. The other side isn't half bad, if I don't say so myself. Or is it do say so myself?

Anyway, the crux of the story since I gotta run is: wade through the feelings and you will find comfort on the other side. That's what the process entails. I'm noticing it working the more I put forth the effort to try to carry on, despite not feeling so great on the inside.

Methinks all is going to be okay. There's another saying where that one came from too. ; )

11 April 2015

Sometimes we need a break. A break from writing, a break from online dating, hell.. a break from being caffeine-free. The fact of the matter is, sometimes in life, we need a break from everything, even things from which we're taking a break. Say what? Caffeine is what I'm talkin 'bout, on the real.

It's been a real rough past few months. Reallllllllllll rough. Yet, I've made it through, in one piece! Shocking. Quite shocking.

My life has done a complete 180 from last year. Let's see, I went ~8 months without coffee (quite a stretch for me), I fell in love (sorta), fell out of love (sorta), continued forward in my current job, applied to several other jobs (most recently), expanded my social network, drank a lot more wine than I ever have in my life, lapsed back into caffeine addiction, went to NYC with my best friend to see one of my fav singers in concert (J-dubz), and...have finally come to the realization that I need to love myself more, so as to stop attracting people into my life who make things harder for me.

Did I mention I joined a gym? Went gluten-free? Met some pretty damn cool arse people both in and out of work? Basically, a whole lotta ish has been happening, and I can see things more clearly now.... things are finally on the upswing.

This winter, my world seemingly came crashing down, and I fell into a realllllllllllly bad slump. Yet, I forced myself--yes, forced myself, to snap out of my funk, and get well.

Sometimes you need to push yourself to get away from things that are bringing you down, and making you feel worse.

Hence, why I have deleted my two online dating profiles.

I'm taking a break from online dating. Oh, and starting reallllllllllly soon, I'm quitting caffeine again. Realllllllllllll soon, I swear.

And, I'm listening to what makes me tick. What feels good, what doesn't, what feels realllllllllly bad. I'm listening to my body and my heart, and figuring things out, because I'm about to be 30, and ish is about to get more real than ever.


Hope this gives inspiration to someone, someone out there.

Whether you're broken-hearted and/or just broken, it can and WILL get better.

A gentle nudge from yourself can work wonders though...

05 March 2015

Finding my way in the midst of stress...

After much consideration, I figured I might as well post an update. It's been quite a while, after all, and much has changed in my life. Much has transpired, I should say.

Been through a rather rough patch in terms of dating. I'll keep that mostly private for now.

Work has been incredibly stressful. Last Saturday, I worked 12 hours to finalize my written preparation for a client review this week. Then there was the mental preparation and the rehearsing.

This week was quite the whirlwind because the client's flight ended up being cancelled on Monday and therefore, all of the preparation I did Sunday and the sleepless night (I had awoken at 4 a.m. and tossed and turned from that point forward) was all for naught. Found out several of the files for which I had completed in depth summaries (and worked the 12 hour overtime shift) were being omitted from the schedule, so that really pissed me off. 

Then Tuesday, there was a lot of back and forth about me needing to present, so I was wound up with anxiety all day, only to discover that it was off-again, by the end -- still no presentation. Another wasted preceding night of anxiety and dread. Then, we were on our way to Dave & Buster's through an ice storm -- yes, everyone in the office was headed out the door early, so as to arrive home safely -- yet my team was expected to trudge through the icy conditions to Dave & Busters. As though the week wasn't off to a bad enough start already, as I'm stuck in bottleneck traffic on a major highway on the way there, and feeling as though any second a car is going to slam into me from behind -- I then receive a call from a coworker, who tells me the whole thing is called off because the client felt it too dangerous to go there given the icy roads. Omg. They couldn't have made that decision before we already headed there in the ice?

So by the time Wednesday rolls around, I'm dead tired -- I get a shower the night before and take my vitamin D and I'm knocked OUT, and couldn't care less as to what happens or how shitty of a job I do in presenting.

It ends up going so well -- how's that for not caring? It's almost like God was trying to show me not to care, and in not caring, it all works out for the best. Sort of like the path of least resistance, if you know what I mean.

Kind of experienced a purging of the emotions, of some sort, Weds night, on my way home, having gotten through the intense stress of last week, all the way through the conclusion of my presentation.

Some wonderful coworker of mine was kind enough to surprise me with some Roscato, found on my chair the morning of my presentations. Such a pleasant and kind surprise. I seriously can't get enough of random acts of kindness. They fill my heart with utmost glee--as corny as that may sound in written form.

I realized that I really take so much personally, when it comes to my job, and I worry to an extreme, and it's really not healthy or helpful. And it's best to let go and just be, and let things flow as they may.

It did help to present with everyone in person rather than on the phone though. Something about being able to read people's faces helps put me at ease. Then again, most of my phone phobia at work stems from just performing in front of others and constantly fearing their judgment of me.

It's a longstanding ingrained fear that I'm working on overcoming.

Anyway, with the highs of having completed my presentations and feeling like I did well, also comes the low of having to catch up on a boat load of work that's been building up, given all of the time and energy I was required to devote to the extensive project of preparing for the presentations.

Today, I had to take off due to heavy snow.

While it felt like a bit of a relief to finally catch a small break, just thinking about the hefty workload that awaits me tomorrow daunts me to the nth degree, and I'm not exactly excited about it. I think I'll manage somehow though. I always do...