24 December 2015

Today is Christmas Eve. Well actually, tonight is. It's probably the most sad Christmas Eve I've had in a while. No wait, last year was. The year before last year's Christmas Eve was quite depressing too though, so I have to say it's actually been a while since I've had a pleasant Christmas Eve.

So many changes have happened over the past year. You'd think I'd be on the brink of becoming my better self or something. You'd think I wouldn't feel so down tonight. Something is in the air, I guess. It has been for quite a while, and it's just bubbled to the surface this past year, and I've seen everything for what it truly is, without the coated layer of idealism.

No longer do I use Twitter. I used to spit out my thoughts on there, thinking it was getting me somewhere. It wasn't. I've changed dating sites. Kept the one out of two from last year, removed the other, and added another. Still sometimes trying the same thing and expecting different results. Am realizing this is not the best approach, but old habits truly do die hard, and it's hard to switch up what you're doing, even if you know it's for your greatest good. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm learning to use my instinct, as I've been concealing it with various coping mechanisms. It's still hard though.

Today I've been thinking about all of the pain I've experienced this past year. The lost friendships, failed dating ventures, the disconnection from certain people I thought would always be there, who I realized were never actually there. Coming to terms with the fact that some people just aren't who you think they are and never will they be the image you have in your heart of them.

So that's my Christmas Eve in a nutshell. I've been resting most of the day. Haven't moved around much. Have just been reflecting mostly, and feeling sad, sentimental, and in a weird state, if you will.

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