So I'm not sure how honest I should be on this blog. I'm looking for an outlet for my thoughts right now and don't feel like writing in my notebook and/or continuing with the novel I drafted for nanowrimo (you know, that novel drafted for national novelist's writer's month). Well actually, it's not a novel that I drafted, but rather more like a quarter of a full length novel. I surpassed the 50k word limit, but the plot is far from complete, so there's that... yeah... an incomplete story that I plan on completing at some point, but I needed to take a break this month because I pushed myself way hard last month and felt the burn. My body needed a break.
Anyway, I'm in between jobs at the moment, on two dating sites, moved to my own place back in June/July, still am not over that guy who basically ditched me last yr without explanation, and am working on achieving some goals. One: getting a new job. Two: getting back to yoga and meditation and walking outside. Three: having fun and taking care of myself.
Today I attended two job interviews and they went quite well. The one was for a sales position and the other was for a business Account Representative type role. I felt good about how I came across, but not too sure about my interest in the positions. The sales position seems like it would be a fun change from the doldrums desk job lifestyle I loathe. It would be a door to door sales type role at first that would later transition to greater responsibility, depending on performance. I feel like I would love moving around all day and interacting with people face to face and striving to reach the 3-5 weekly sales quota requirement. I fear it might not pay enough, however. The Account Representative role is one in which I would basically assist clients with the product they have purchased. It sounds far easier than claims adjusting, which I have been doing for a while now, which I am looking to escape from, for several reasons. However, I just got the feel from the interview that it's a typical corporate setting role in which I'll want to bang my head upon the desk from boredom and insanity in about four to six months, if not sooner. My eyes were glazing over with some of the redundant and mechanical type questions being asked of me, which gave me an inkling as to how I might feel on the job. The plus side? It's close to home. Literally, right around the corner. Think five mins tops. FIVE mins tops. I literally thought my GPS had me going in the wrong direction as I drove from the 1st interview to the 2nd, and even called my dad and told him my GPS was not leading me to the proper place but was rather leading me back home. I thought I'd need him to help me out with mapquest. Nope, it's literally less than five minutes from where I live.
It's weird because I kept hearing 'short commute' in my head earlier in the day, since that is one of the reasons why I left my second to last job. Guess it was my instinct telling me about this little gem of a situation.
Still doesn't change the fact that my instinct is that the position will bore me to tears.
As far as other changes happening, lately I've been walking outside. It's 60 degrees outside despite the fact that Christmas is two days away, which is crazy, and I half like it, and am half upset about it. I was driving to my parents' house the other day thinking, 'damn, this does not feel like Christmas.' It's only the fact that I'm not freezing that I appreciate it; that, and the fact that I still can take a walk around the complex where I live and not die from the cold.
Walking outside is soothing to the soul. If you don't do it, you should try it. I highly recommend it. It will reduce your emotional pain by at minimum, 50%. Okay, that's a purely personal and unscientific estimate, but I have truly found it to be quite the remedy to my harried thoughts and anxiety.
Speaking of walking outside, I quit the gym. Cancelled my planet fitness membership last night, having reflected a few days before on the fact that it was no longer benefiting me. All I use is the treadmill, and to race around, to get there and get home, it kills my night. The treadmill, if you don't realize this already, is boring as hell. I would use the elliptical, as I did for the first 6-10 months of this year, but then I realized it was messing with my stomach and digestion, so I had to switch to just walking on the treadmill, and it all went downhill from there. Actually, it helped me wean from my gym habit, which wasn't of substance upon reflection anyway. I'd rather walk outside, and do yoga. With yoga, I feel relaxed and it helps center me.
The gym was good for recovering from the heartbreak I experienced late last year. It helped me use that surge of adrenaline to get my body in shape for a brief bit and gave me an outlet for my frustration and sense of upset. I would listen to my ipod and just work it out on the elliptical. The cute guys I saw from time to time, lifting weights in front of me, didn't hurt either.
Therefore, I am thankful for the gym for the purpose it served. When reflecting on my life, it seems I always turned to the gym to contend with heartache. I did the same in college, and then of course, after the most recent (yet not quite recent anymore) heartache.
***TMI*** So in going to the gym regularly and stressing about my last job, etc., at some point my period went irregular again. By irregular, I mean, missing. So, I haven't had a period in about 6 months, which to the average person might be distressing, but to me, with taking thyroid medication and being irregular in the past, it's not that outrageous, and I know it's probably even more beneficial to stop going to the gym to help my body heal further from whatever issue is impending my period flow. I do think my thyroid medication is a factor here, but I also think the stress of racing back and forth to the gym and not really getting much out of walking on the treadmill, is not helping matters. That is where meditation and yoga is coming into play.
Last night I did my first yoga session in like, forever, and remembered why I love it so much. Gosh, I truly do. At first I was annoyed as hell with the youtube lady giving instructions and guiding the way, but then a few minutes in, I felt the tension leave my body, and it felt so good. It reminded me that sometimes to get to the good feelings, you need to push through the bad ones. Kind of like that Winston Churchill saying: If you're going through hell, keep going. Yeah. Definitely my life mantra at the moment. So, that is how yoga is helping, and the same can be said for meditation. Just sitting with those feelings and riding them out, helps me feel more centered.
The other night, no actually last night, I saw 'Working Girl,' with Melanie Griffith. Holy crap that is a good movie. My mom recommended I watch it, and at first, I was opposed because I was feeling depressed and wanted to just go home and cry myself to sleep, but I ended up watching it, and it gave me a whole new perspective on life and perseverance, and hope, and faithfulness/honesty.
It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Isn't it funny how moms can do that?
So, that's another example of pushing through discomfort to get to the other side. The other side isn't half bad, if I don't say so myself. Or is it do say so myself?
Anyway, the crux of the story since I gotta run is: wade through the feelings and you will find comfort on the other side. That's what the process entails. I'm noticing it working the more I put forth the effort to try to carry on, despite not feeling so great on the inside.
Methinks all is going to be okay. There's another saying where that one came from too. ; )