So, I feel like I'm transitioning into this stage... and have been, for the past year... where I'm shifting the focus to my world, my thoughts, my life, and drifting from that state in which I fawn over celebrities and their drama, either via watching reality tv shows (namely Real Housewives and KUWTK), and via online websites (like the Daily Mail, my fav).
I didn't even realize the kind of impact it was having, immersing myself in these shows and reading the celebrity gossip all the time. In hindsight, these things served as a distraction from my own life, and also were a way to pass the time without having to exert much effort, after a hectic day at work. You know, just zone out and read about the crazy lives of celebrities and watch the Real Housewives and Kardashians engage in drama amongst themselves.
I had previously analyzed the possible impact these shows were having on my life, but I sloughed it off, because it was just such an ingrained habit, and as you know, habits are intensely difficult to break, especially when they've been part of your daily routine for years. I remember first watching the RHONY in college, senior year, second semester. It had me instantly hooked, with the drama between Jo & Slade. I had been a year out from a breakup at the time and it was the perfect thing to divert my mind.
Not long after, I starting watching KUWTK, Real World, and Jersey Shore. Before I knew it, I was a reality show junkie. I can't say when I started to look at celebrity gossip websites. I first liked PopSugar but they changed the layout of their website and the manner in which they delivered content, which I didn't like, so I stopped going to that site and at some point, I can't recall when, but at least 2-4 years ago, frequenting the Daily Mail site had become a daily habit.
It wasn't until having my heart broken again last year, that I started examining my habits, and how they were influencing my life. Obviously, I saw how coffee and chocolate was getting me revved up and making me anxious, and I subsequently eliminated coffee from my diet, and have cut way down on the chocolate intake. It is now that I cannot watch Real Housewives anymore, because I see how devoid of value it is and how it serves no purpose but to perpetuate this glorification of the lives of others and their conflicts.
These shows completely detract from the core essence of life, which is to live and be expressive in one's own right, and not to just sit back and watch things happen. So yeah, I've definitely been in the habit of just watching others do things while I sit idly by, and I don't want to be that person anymore. Also, it's numbed me from elements of my own life to which I should be attentive, like the desires of my heart and soul.
So here I sit, at 30 years old, having just been awakened from a stupor it feels like, and it's bittersweet. It's bitter because it took me this long to really have reality shake me and say 'look, this is what this is doing... this is your life,' and I sit here in need of major revamping of my interests and hobbies, and it's sweet because at least I still have time, God willing, to make a change.
What's that Gandhi saying? Be the change you wish to see in the world. It's true. At times it's hard to change habits when everyone else is doing it and it feels like since everyone else is doing it, you might as well just keep doing it because you may never meet someone with the same perspective, and if everyone is numbed out with bad habits, what hope is there in this life? Yet, then I think about how I'm doing this for myself. I'm not doing this for anyone else. I'm doing this to clear out the gunk so that my conscious state is about the present, the here and now, the goings on in the world -- the REAL world, not the faux real world, if ya know nom sayin'.
It's about getting back to the basics. Getting a feel for what is going on, improving my life and becoming more well rounded in an attractive sense, not a societal sense. It's being true to myself and knowing what is real and what is not. Living in the here and now. Living.
It's about not minding that I have a bundle cable plan that includes tv, phone, and internet, and now, what is there left to watch? and should I feel guilty for not watching tv anymore since what else is there to watch? It's about exploring new things and seeing where this new life takes me.
It's not about feeling guilty for just getting to this point now, and kicking myself for not having this realization earlier, and somewhat wasting precious time over the past several years watching these people live their lives on tv and in the tabloids. It's about being okay with that being where I was then and thankful that I learned a valuable lesson and have the opportunity to grow from this.
It will be interesting to see where I am 6 months down the line. Surely I will have my slip ups and maybe not know what to do with myself in my down time, but it will be quite the feat to figure it out, and in the process, live life. Real life, yo.