29 December 2015

Never underestimate the power of the addictive voice.

I was actually going to label this post 'never underestimate the power of organizing your place,' because I just organized my living space and feel much more clear-headed now, but I notice when I'm organized and bored, my addictive voice kicks in telling me to do all those things I've worked hard to get away from doing.

It's weird how that works. Maybe it's not that weird and it's just the nature of recycled thoughts. They say it takes forever to break a habit. It truly does. I know this from experience. You will have thoughts that convince you it's okay if you do a little of this and a little of that. Just a little won't hurt, it urges you. Before you know it, you're reaching for that little bit of what won't hurt. Yet, it's not that it hurts right away when you engage in the bad habit you've been trying to break. It's the aftermath that's the worst. Afterwards, there's the myriad internal reprimands for having just done that thing that's out to destroy you. Okay, so maybe destroy is too forceful a word. That thing that wants to see you remain stuck.

It's a fine line between not being overly restrictive and crossing into dangerous territory. I'll use caffeine as an example. Christmas is in the air so you figure, what's a little chocolate? You deserve it. The holiday blues have hit hard and you need a release. As you sit there you think, what is it that I need? I feel like I need something. Then it hits you. CHOCOLATE. So you go to the fridge, and what do you see? A bar of Hershey's dark. Okay, one day's not going to kill me. So you delight in the fact that you're giving yourself a break. A much deserved one, duh. You deserve this. You've waited so long for this and you need it, deserve it, owe it to yourself.

Looking at all the lovey dovey couples out there, you need some reprieve. So you chew that chocolate bar in all your angst and feel the tension melt away. You feel happy.

Yet it's just a ruse. The happiness is fleeting, and an hour or so later, you're feeling tired and have no energy. The following day, you can barely keep your eyes open throughout the day and you drift into a depression. What's that you say, mind? Some more chocolate? There's another whole Hershey's bar in the fridge? What's the harm, you think. You go for the second and down it in one fell swoop. Okay, not one fell swoop exactly, but you get the idea.

This becomes a pattern. Then there's those chocolate cookies, made just for you. Then you're given a literal box of chocolates for Christmas. Is there some metaphor being conveyed here? Is this a test? If it is, I'm failing. So I've eaten three full Hershey bars at this point, many chocolate peanut butter cookies, and now two Lindor chocolate truffles. I mean, seriously. This thing is outta hand.

You're keeping it together, but you're barely above water.

Today, I told myself, two more Lindor chocolate truffles. Just until the box is done. It's sitting there, this gold box. These truffles are waiting to be eaten.

They're not even that good. They have an artificial flavor.

Makes me want to go get some authentic caffeine, some Pike Blend from Starbucks. That way at least it's the real stuff.

Did I mention I got two Starbucks cards for Christmas?

Yet, I've resisted the voice telling me to indulge in those Lindor chocolate truffles, and I'm not getting that Pike Blend which will cause my anxiety to spike out the ying.

I'm keeping it caffeine free. Trying to carry out without my vice, even if it keeps calling me....

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