After much consideration, I figured I might as well post an update. It's been quite a while, after all, and much has changed in my life. Much has transpired, I should say.
Been through a rather rough patch in terms of dating. I'll keep that mostly private for now.
Work has been incredibly stressful. Last Saturday, I worked 12 hours to finalize my written preparation for a client review this week. Then there was the mental preparation and the rehearsing.
This week was quite the whirlwind because the client's flight ended up being cancelled on Monday and therefore, all of the preparation I did Sunday and the sleepless night (I had awoken at 4 a.m. and tossed and turned from that point forward) was all for naught. Found out several of the files for which I had completed in depth summaries (and worked the 12 hour overtime shift) were being omitted from the schedule, so that really pissed me off.
Then Tuesday, there was a lot of back and forth about me needing to present, so I was wound up with anxiety all day, only to discover that it was off-again, by the end -- still no presentation. Another wasted preceding night of anxiety and dread. Then, we were on our way to Dave & Buster's through an ice storm -- yes, everyone in the office was headed out the door early, so as to arrive home safely -- yet my team was expected to trudge through the icy conditions to Dave & Busters. As though the week wasn't off to a bad enough start already, as I'm stuck in bottleneck traffic on a major highway on the way there, and feeling as though any second a car is going to slam into me from behind -- I then receive a call from a coworker, who tells me the whole thing is called off because the client felt it too dangerous to go there given the icy roads. Omg. They couldn't have made that decision before we already headed there in the ice?
So by the time Wednesday rolls around, I'm dead tired -- I get a shower the night before and take my vitamin D and I'm knocked OUT, and couldn't care less as to what happens or how shitty of a job I do in presenting.
It ends up going so well -- how's that for not caring? It's almost like God was trying to show me not to care, and in not caring, it all works out for the best. Sort of like the path of least resistance, if you know what I mean.
Kind of experienced a purging of the emotions, of some sort, Weds night, on my way home, having gotten through the intense stress of last week, all the way through the conclusion of my presentation.
Some wonderful coworker of mine was kind enough to surprise me with some Roscato, found on my chair the morning of my presentations. Such a pleasant and kind surprise. I seriously can't get enough of random acts of kindness. They fill my heart with utmost glee--as corny as that may sound in written form.
I realized that I really take so much personally, when it comes to my job, and I worry to an extreme, and it's really not healthy or helpful. And it's best to let go and just be, and let things flow as they may.
It did help to present with everyone in person rather than on the phone though. Something about being able to read people's faces helps put me at ease. Then again, most of my phone phobia at work stems from just performing in front of others and constantly fearing their judgment of me.
It's a longstanding ingrained fear that I'm working on overcoming.
Anyway, with the highs of having completed my presentations and feeling like I did well, also comes the low of having to catch up on a boat load of work that's been building up, given all of the time and energy I was required to devote to the extensive project of preparing for the presentations.
Today, I had to take off due to heavy snow.
While it felt like a bit of a relief to finally catch a small break, just thinking about the hefty workload that awaits me tomorrow daunts me to the nth degree, and I'm not exactly excited about it. I think I'll manage somehow though. I always do...