24 December 2013

The day before Christmas. Thoughts of him.

Thank goodness for Christmas break. Not only for obvious reasons: to be able to praise God and the best family I could ever have been blessed to have, but for time off work. Yessss. We got out early. We were permitted to leave at 1 p.m. to be exact. There was a happy hour type get together among those coworkers in my department. I had overheard them talking about it, and half expected them to leave me out, since they usually go out and grab lunch together without inviting me. However, my boss did include me, at least for this function. I opted out of going, because I was tired as heck after spending an hour or two on the phone with some exasperating customers and was quite stressed that I could be overheard during each one of these conversations. This is the worst part about working in an open cubicle space, as everyone can listen to your every word on the phone. It makes me really anxious. I also overheard my coworkers laughing, which further exacerbated the anxiety, because I thought it possible their laughter might be directed at my conversations, since no one else was on the phone. I swear, my coworkers, esp those closest to me, never use the phone. If they are on the phone, they get off before me, and they stay off the phone as long as I'm on a call. I'd rather be surrounded by others who are engaged in phone conversation so not everyone is tuning into what I'm saying, but this is not the case. It's also a small office and you could literally hear a pin drop, so imagine how my voice carries. I feel more frustration towards my nosy coworkers actually than those with whom I'm dealing with on the phone, as I spend the majority of the time stressing about being listened to by my coworkers. When they all left, it was as though a weight had been lifted. I wish it could always be me alone in my own space, making calls without any worry of being judged or heard. I prefer privacy to loads of people intruding upon my personal space. Yes, these cubicles are so close that I can hear even subtle movements/sounds of those coworkers seated on either side of me.

On a more positive note, about a half hour after everyone left, I finished making some calls which were necessary and then grabbed everything to head out of there. I had a various containers of food and was trying to figure out how to juggle everything, and had a flash of a vision I'd run into a certain someone, and he would wonder what in the hell I was doing with all these uncleaned dishes as I was walking to my car. That didn't happen, thankfully, and I managed to stuff the myriad bowls into a bag. However, wouldn't you know it, but as I get into my car and turn my head towards the building entrance, I spot him in my peripheral vision. I actually did a bit of a double-take to ensure my eyes weren't deceiving me, because I never get to see him walking to his car, yet always long to see him. What are the odds too that I'd get to savor a last look before going away on holiday? So what do I do? While contemplating slowing my car a bit as I turn to face him and maybe waving, I decide otherwise, instead continuing on the chosen path in as quick a manner as possible, and at one point as I'm about to turn onto the main road, I nod my head in rhythm to the tune by Capital Cities, "Safe and Sound," as though I'll look cool if he is to see me doing this. Now I thought it kind of ironic that this song was playing given my sentiments and this chance glimpse of him. Almost as ironic as hearing Alanis sing 'Ironic' this morning and hearing the radio host speak of the tune afterward, pointing out the specific lyric of interest: 'It's like meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife,' before commenting, 'Never had that happen before, but I'm sure that would be quite unpleasant.' And the knife dug a bit deeper, further lancing my ever lovelorn heart. I kept glancing in my rear view mirror, hoping to see him near me from behind. No such luck. He must have taken the route around the building to the other side. Being the analytical person I am, I of course read into this small element of occurrence. That he saw me and was annoyed by me and dashed in the other direction to get away fast.

On a related note, earlier today I had received a note from a friend who is now working in another office for the same company as I, in which he indicated that he's collaborating with my work crush on a few projects. It's not as though my work crush has any idea of how meaningful it is for him to be in communication with my friend, but I get a bit giddy with the knowledge of their interaction. It's like I'm communicating with my work crush through my friend. You have to read Sorrows of Young Werther to fully understand. The author explains perfectly my feelings. I swear, my intuition, when I allow it to be free, does forebode certain events. Kind of like the dream I had a while back in which I found out a guy I had loved was married, and was very much hurt upon finding out. Then there's the fact that I have had several dreams of my 'crush' ignoring me in the halls at work and passing me by in a restaurant at an event involving other coworkers. These events in my dreams did/do correlate with my present day reality, as he avoids me (knowingly or unknowingly) at work (ie. I rarely see him), and at the company luncheon last week, he had also acted nonchalant towards me and would not  look my way whatsoever throughout the entire event, despite me sneaking glances in the hopes that he would by the grace of God acknowledge me.

This encounter today (if you can call it an 'encounter' anyway, since I just happened to see him from afar), was bittersweet. Sure I caught a final look before some time away, to further savor the memory of him. However, if he did notice me, he might have thought I was rude for disregarding him, and that makes me feel bad. On the flip side, it hurts that he might not have given the sight of me a second thought. I can't help but think the former would more so apply than the latter. Call it the hopeless idealist within me, or my intuition. Whatever you will, I know he saw me. What he thought of me choosing not to wave or acknowledge him, I do not know. All I know, is I felt nervous as hell driving in view of him that I freaked a little on the inside and could barely think straight, let alone manage to wave. So I fled the situation, the adrenaline rush overtaking me. I need to work on that, fleeing uncomfortable situations. In this case it was a pleasant discomfort, if that makes sense, but so intense, given our interaction last week.

I wonder how he'll spend his Christmas. Hope he enjoys it with his wife. Actually, I think he's Jewish (explanation to come), so maybe he won't be celebrating. However, like me, he has off tomorrow. I thought we had off tomorrow and the following day, but it turns out I had been looking at the schedule of next year's company holidays. That was a bit of a bummer, but is it wrong of me to feel not so bad about returning on the 26th, when there's the benefit of him being close in proximity? Even if it is futile and something I need to move past again. Had there not been that resurgence of emotion at the end of last week, I might not be so consumed by thoughts of him, so hopelessly hopeful. These thoughts and feelings just need to be worked through, since I can't have him, since he's fully unavailable and will never be free for me to have, or to have me. For now, I'll merely admire from afar and vicariously through a close friend's contact with him. Then, hopefully I'll move past it and recover once again from the letdown of this particular reality.

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