Day 10 of coffee detox.

This coffee detox, while I've made it past the week mark and am well into my second week, I guess it's getting harder for me to stick to the topic of coffee. Since I have removed it from my repertoire of items in which to indulge, my focus has turned to other things, like the guy at work, food that doesn't contain gluten, exercise, and condo hunting. Although I still crave it, like this morning in the shower I thought about how nice it would be to have a morning cup, the urge is short-lived.

This morning I did an inventory check on myself to see how significant the changes have been in terms of my no coffee life versus the coffee-laden one, and must say I don't miss the snappiness, waking up in the middle of the night, and the heart palpitations. I have more energy in the morning and don't feel half-asleep during my hour long commute to work. It feels good not to have to rely on caffeine to bring on the alertness. Since I've cut it out, the alertness comes naturally.

My moods have improved as I don't feel as on guard as often and/or as short-fused. Also, I have only been waking up an hour early, compared to awakening just a few hours after going to bed and tossing and turning trying to abate my ever-heightening anxiety caused by being unable to experience restful sleep. Even though my anxiety hasn't left me, it is more tolerable. The panic I experience in the late afternoon at work still frustrates and overwhelms me at times, but it is still many notches lower than where it was with the coffee intake. Overall, I'm content with the improvements and do not have an intention of caving any time soon.

Number 9 - John Lennon. In other words, day 9 of detox!

Okay, I had to post a John Lennon song title as the headline...why? Because it's day 9 of the detoxxxx. Number 9. Let's repeat that fifty times fast. I can't believe it. Okay, maybe I can. Okay, maybe I really can't. I returned to work today. The first half of the day? Wonderful. The last half (ie. lunchtime, onward) not so much. There are multiple reasons for my fluctuating feelings throughout the work day, but for the purpose of staying on topic, I will state that I did crave chocolate and coffee today, but only after lunchtime, mainly on the way home as I had an outpouring of emotions that I was able to unleash at that time. There were a few moments strewn throughout the day in which I thought to myself, 'hmmm, could use some coffee,' or 'hmm, that feeling of pure bliss, how I could use some of that in my life,' particularly as I felt struck with exhaustion and sadness in the late afternoon, unable to focus on much other than my feeling completely done for the day, ready to pack it in and say peace and cry me a river. If I reflect on the day and break it down into manageable pieces, it would appear something to the tune of:

8:00 a.m. Feeling great, ready to conquer today, refreshed and ready to go. A bit anxious and excited to see a certain coworker -- mostly excited.

9:00 a.m. Arrive to work. Condemn the cold weather under my breath as I march toward the building. Why does it have to be so cold? The anxiety and negative thoughts start to take hold. Damn, did I really miss this? The stress I feel when realizing I had 15 voicemails! The emails, the paperwork, the fifty other inbox items, all demand my immediate attention. It is too much. I sit frozen for a few minutes. Chat with a coworker about his assistance while I was out for the past three work days. This comforts me a bit. He didn't realize today I was set to return. He thought my return date was tomorrow.

9:10 a.m. Still a bit unsure as far as where to start. Hell, totally scared and feeling like I'm drowning in a deep, dark abyss. I panic as I fight to claw my way out, as fast as possible. I attack from all angles.

10:00 a.m. Things are not going bad. In fact, they're going better than good. Not only have I returned all of my voicemail messages, but I notice my complexion has improved somewhat and therefore, have a little pep in my step. That, and the fact that I have had off a few days has rejuvenated me. I'm feeling confident. I've smiled and chatted with a few people.

10:15 a.m. Against my better judgment, I spy on a certain coworker's inbox for probably the 10th time today. I use the term 'spy' loosely. I peek, just to ensure his presence is nearby. Hell, I deserve to look. I'm not allowed caffeine, I've eschewed gluten from my diet, and I've nearly gone through an entire cycle without chocolate? His inbox is screaming for my attention. It's my little deviance. He's definitely backkkk at workkkk. I'm pretty sure I do a little celebratory dance in my seat. How do I know? His inbox started at 77 activities and was quickly reducing to the 50s, then 30s, then 20s. I'm feeling rather competitive as I attempt to catch up and reduce mine down from 50 to 30. I'm making progress. Yay for me.

11:00 a.m. Still making headway in getting caught up on my workload. Having an imaginary race with that certain coworker, trying to accomplish inbox items faster than him. Wow, my face is looking not too shabby. The redness isn't as visible. My lips look a pretty shade of pink (I catch a glimpse in the bathroom mirror). I feel confident and look fresh and lively. I return to my desk after a bathroom break and make some more phone calls, reduce my inbox activities some more, still attempting to catch up with the 'certain coworker.' I wonder if he's competing with me. Doubt it. Well, maybe... (the idealist within me surfaces).

12:45 p.m. I notice 'certain coworker' has reduced his activities to about 24. I'm a bit jealous as I haven't gotten mine that low as of yet, but I'm getting closer. The adrenaline rush has worn off some. Why haven't I seen so and so? Doesn't he miss me? I'm not really hungry as I had a huge bowl of GF oatmeal with raisins and lots of fruit for breakfast, but it's getting closer to when I take my lunch. I keep checking his inbox, like I'm on an assembly line, routinely packaging one box after another. Check inbox. Take a break. Enter his inbox yet again. I can't help myself. It's become a bit of a compulsion. I grow a bit dismayed at the fact that his inbox activities remain at 24 after about an hour. The sinking feeling starts. The coffee craving strikes. Lots of emotions starting to circulate. I could really use a cup of bliss right now. He probably went to lunch... (the realist says).

1:15 p.m. It's lunchtime, but I'm not that hungry. Hell, it was lunchtime 15 minutes ago, but I decided at that time to stick around in case I miss the certain coworker. At fifteen minutes after, I have a change of heart. Too much obsessing over him. Still holding out hope he will manifest himself at some point between now and the end of the day, I figure, why not pass some time in my car and eat to expedite the process. I sit out in my car, chomp on some peanut butter rice cakes (not consciously--in fact, it's only when I peer into the plastic bag I brought with me and see one remaining, that I realize I must have eaten the other two as I know I had made three), and stomp back to the office in the cold, tightening my coat around my body and shunning the cold, wishing it away even before exiting my car, as a woman in passing curses the weather along with me. 'I'm not ready for this,' she comments. 'I know, it's so cold.' A few steps later and I'm inside. Back to work. Bummer.

3:00 p.m. Lethargy. Low energy. Feeling a bit down but still hopeful as I embark on the two hour journey to destination 'end of work day.' Minutes later....why am I feeling so emotional? Wait, are those tears coming on just now? I pull myself together, in an effort to curtail the crying session. My anxiety is mounting every time I hear footsteps near my cubicle. I check so and so's inbox unintentionally at this point, not wanting to do myself any more harm, but I can't restrain myself, so I give in to my misery, and notice his inbox is still stuck at 24. This can only mean one of very few things: a) he has left for the day... maybe he took a half day?, b) he's doing work outside the office the latter part of the day, c) he was never in the office and merely worked from home the entire day , d) he didn't have work today and merely got caught up on his last day of vacation, e) he's fooling around and not doing anything (but still in the office) -- unlikely scenario -- doubtful, or he would have visited my area or tried to see me, no?, f) FML. I can only speculate on options 'a' through 'e.' The only option I am certain applies, is 'f.'

4:00 p.m. Taking slow strides to the finish. Trying to use what little effort I have to move forward with tasks that need to be completed. Feeling unmotivated, tired, and sensitive. Sad because I never got to see the guy I've been thinking about nonstop.

5:00 p.m. Show's over. Thankfully, I can cry on the way home. Contemplate having some chocolate when I get home. Rationalize why this would be acceptable: serotonin benefits, dairy/gluten free option, merit. Go back to why I have eliminated caffeine in all forms and review the benefits.

6:00 p.m. Arrive home, eat some chili (perfect for today's weather--would have loved to talk to the guy at work about the weather given our conversation a few weeks ago regarding same--so unfortunate).

So that's what today looked like. There were of course many complex moments and emotions I didn't share, like the fact that I have dark circles under my eyes and still feel medicated from the thyrogen. I still feel 'off' given the treatment, and not totally myself. There's the fact also that I ripped a realtor a new one (okay, not really, but sorta) in email format because he wouldn't allow me to see a property without pre-approval, even though I didn't want to incur the fee of getting the pre-approval and would prefer to do so only after determining whether or not I'm interested enough to put in an offer. There's the fact that I feel like I'm overextending myself at work and not giving myself enough respite or credit, and despite knowing this, I continue to overextend myself and lately, have felt like crying in the late afternoon for the last few weeks. There's the fact that thyca is a you-know-what and I just wish I felt better. There's the fact that I'm craving intimacy, and the object of my affection is nowhere to be found, and I don't know how I'll feel when I finally see him. Oh wait, I do know. I'll be shaky and crazy happy, even though I'm silently trying to block him out of my mind right now.

End of thyrogen, on to better things.

Okay, so it's day 8 of the detox, but my main purpose for posting today is the fact that I'm done with my thyrogen testing, finally! I'm soooo excited right now to be done with the injections and blood work. It seems I underestimated how taxing this treatment would be. Given that the final component of the treatment (labs) were completed today, I can finally turn my focus to those things that bring me pleasure, like reading, exercising, going out (walking, shopping), etc. I literally have been fantasizing about biking, even though I usually have no motivation to exercise as of late. Having undergone this treatment has renewed my vigor to get out and about and to work on getting in shape. My anxiety since undergoing this treatment, along with the other side effects, have made it difficult for me to concentrate and do much. I spent most of my time perusing the internet. The amount of time I spend online is directly proportionate to how bad I feel. I spent a lot of time online, so that sums up my state of being Thursday through today. This is understandable considering the treatment side-effects, however.

I did get out to go to the library on Thursday but felt very ill and stayed for a very brief period before collapsing with weakness upon returning home. Saturday, I attended a monthly meetup group event, and Sunday I went to church, so at least I did not stayed holed up at home the entire time. The treatment involved appointments Thursday and Friday of last week along with blood work today. Today, aside from getting my labs done, I made it halfway through a novel and avoided the internet altogether until now. I wanted a break from the computer (and all technological devices) before starting my work week. With the final item checked off the thyrogen testing to-do list, I feel a bit of relief and am actually excited to get back into my daily routine. May the healing process begin (or continue).

I am suffering from a bit of a headache as of right now, and still not feeling fully recuperated, which is to be expected. Still tired, but it's eased up somewhat. The adrenaline is flowing for sure, given that I'm able to check off the final item of the thyrogen testing to-do list. Having just completed the blood work component of my treatment today, I am not sure if the thyrogen has completed dissipated from my system, but each day that passes, I look forward to improving and getting back on track. It is so bizarre to me that today is Monday. My time clock is totally off kilter right now. It feels like a Friday. I don't recall ever having taken off a similar sequence of work days (Thurs, Fri, Mon), nor have I ever felt the sort of excitement I currently feel, to return to work. I am truly happy to be able to get back in the swing of things, mostly to get my mind out of 'treatment mode' for a bit and to be able to be active rather than just laze around and not do much. My goal this week is definitely to mind my emotions and physical symptoms so as to aid myself in my recovery and to not let my needs fly by the wayside, as commonly occurs once I enter my fast-placed work mode. Another goal: to have fun and get outside.

What I would give.

What I would give for some chocolate right now, wouldn't you like to know? I am truly craving Enjoy Life's brand chocolate chips. I can taste them right now. I refuse to turn back at this point, however. I've come so far. My goal is to make it at least 30 days. I definitely feel like my craving is attributed to the fact that I'm on day 4 of my cycle and I'm majorly emotional today. Couple that with the lethargy I feel as a result of the thyrogen and the caffeine craving has gone from minimal to full swing. Maybe I'll have an orange or some other sweet fruit to counteract the need for it, though I doubt it will satiate me like chocolate would. Oh well, I'll need to ride this out somehow. Wish me luck.

Day 7 of coffee detox.

I can't believe it's day 7. I can't recall the last time I made it this far into withdrawing completely from coffee. They say it takes 14 days to quit a habit, so I'm halfway there, but it feels as though I'm further along, as coffee has become an afterthought at this point. I guess it's given what I've been through this week, with the thyrogen. It's taken the focus off coffee. The craving seems to only hit when I'm near someone drinking coffee and I catch a waft of the aroma. However, I don't feel the compulsion to indulge. It's more of a passing fancy, like 'ohh I would really like some,' but upon further thought, I realize I don't need it. In fact, I quite like how I feel without it. I am much more calm and nowhere near as easily agitated.

I went out yesterday, briefly, to a meetup group in which the topic was numerology, and I did converse a bit with those seated at my table, and the difference between how I felt at this month's meeting compared to the last was rather pronounced. Last month, I recall being more irritable, not being in the mood to talk, and feeling tempted to leave in the middle of the discussion. While my feelings were in part due to the manner in which the topic was presented and also the fact that I felt the speaker seemed to me to be pushing her political views, I also attributed my negative feelings to the after-effects of having had my morning coffee. You see, thinking back to even a week ago, I can recall feeling a surge of happiness that would last until the last sip, yet feeling incredibly crappy even just an hour afterward, and this feeling would persist the remainder of the day, and on top of feeling just a general sense of crappiness, I would also be more on edge. To me, it's not worth the momentary happiness to then suffer the side-effects.

The number of ill-effects far outweigh the good, at least for me, as I am so sensitive to caffeine. It doesn't help that I have had thyca and take synthroid. I have noticed an increase to my already delicate sensitivity to caffeine, since having had my thyroid removed and having been put on synthroid. As I have stated in previous posts, it's not just limited to coffee, these effects. It's chocolate too. Chocolate gives me heart palps and revvs me up to the point of discomfort. As far as sleeping hygiene during this detox period, I have noticed a great improvement, particularly in terms of dreaming again, not waking up in the middle of the night, and falling asleep much more quickly. I'm just glad I have made it an entire week without caving, but I know it's because I'm focused on the end result and know it's better for my well being. Here's to the upcoming 7 days. I'm excited to keep it going.

Day 6 of coffee detox.

Although I have been off coffee for a total of six days, I feel like my postings these past two days have been more about what I have been going through having received the two thyrogen injections on Thursday and Friday of this week. Yesterday and the day before were really rough, in terms of me feeling physically worn down and unwell. I am in much better spirits this morning. However, I could you a nice cup of coffee. I'm not going there of course, but I am craving it. One thing I have noticed is the fact that it seems my cravings surface most when I am feeling emotional. So I guess you could say even though my mood has been elevated this morning, given that the drowsiness and overall sick feeling I was experiencing yesterday as well as the day before has dissipated somewhat, I am feeling quite emotional.

I feel like it's understandable given the circumstances and the time I have had to reflect on what is going on with my life. I'm feeling a bit anxious about moving to a new place, yet not knowing where I will end up, and the fact that I wish my decision on where to go were finalized when it is far from being so, triggers my anxiety. It feels like there are a lot of loose ends that must be tied up for me to get moving out of my current living situation. I know these things take time, however, so I need to be patient and just continue with my diligence in searching, once I have had adequate rest from my treatment. This year's treatment is so different than last year, it seems. I feel much more restless, and yet also I experienced nausea this time around, which was a new symptom of the thyrogen, as well as more of a flu-like feeling of crappiness combined with exhaustion.

I felt the urge to laze around Thurs and Fri, yet wanted nothing more than to get outside and play around, exercise, or just go shopping. I have this desire to do anything that requires me to be active, yet I'm lacking a bit in strength right now, and I'm listening to my body which seems to be telling me to take a break until next week. The bright side is, I at least may look forward to stretching my legs on a stroll outdoors, or going to the mall to look around, when I feel a bit more energized next week. I feel so happy that I have finally made it to the sixth day without having surrendered to my coffee habit. I'm not as irritable and snappy, though I still feel anxious at times. As far as my third day of gluten, the skin rash on my face seems to be fading a bit. My digestive system seems to be working more smoothly as well, as I had mentioned in a previous post.

Day 5 of coffee detox.

Today has been going very well with regard to cravings. I only craved coffee once today, when I smelled coffee on someone's breath. That was it. I'm mostly feeling the effects of the second thyrogen injection I received this afternoon. It makes me feel really tired. I'm not experiencing nausea right now, but I just don't feel well. It makes me feel sick, just a general sense of unwellness. I feel like lying down but I feel like writing more, so that's why I decided to come on here and share some of my thoughts. I'm a little restless, yet so worn out at the same time. I'm just really glad I made it through the second injection and it's over and done with, and now I'll just be eager to get the results of my blood work on Monday. Other than that, I am trying to take it easy today. There are a few deadline driven items I must attend to, but having had a rough past two days, I need to give myself at least today to decompress to the fullest extent. No bill paying, no searching for a new place to live, nothing that is too taxing. Just relaxing.

Of note, today is actually the third day being off gluten. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot this week, or at least, it feels like a lot is going on, in a productive way. I'm all about making healthy changes in advance of the New Year. I'm giving up gluten because not only does Celiac disease run in my family, but I have some symptoms (rashy face and some bumps on my chest area as well as anxiety), that I think could be exacerbated, if not caused, by ingesting gluten, and I hope to rule out it's contribution, after taking a break off gluten for a few weeks. The only challenge thus far has been watching out for cross contamination, particular with the toaster and peanut butter. Thus far, I don't have any complaints about it being difficult. It actually feels good to know it could manifest some positive changes. I'm excited to see what the future brings, with my 'pre-New Year' resolutions to exclude caffeine and gluten from my diet. The last glutenous food product I consumed was pizza on Thursday, and I wrote previously about how I woke up with the area around my eyes being noticeably affected (Not sure if I blogged about this or just wrote about it in my journal), but in essence, I awoke to these deep circles beneath my eyes and my face just looked a bit inflamed and irritated. It also caused some digestive issues. Oddly (or coincidentally), my stomach has been doing worlds better without the gluten, even in only three days. That's not to say I don't feel nauseous from the thyrogen, but aside from that, my stomach bloating has dissipated significantly and I'm not noticing the weird gurgling sounds I've heard in the past after consuming gluten-containing foods.

However, the other change (yes, another!) that could be a contributing (positive) factor to my better digestion is the fact that I have been watching my food combinations. That's not to say that I always adhere to the proper food combining standards (ie. starches and veggies, proteins and veggies, but no starches and proteins and no fruits combined with either starches or proteins), but I'm paying more attention and trying to do my best. Every little bit helps.

Anyway, so that's my progress so far in a nutshell in terms of coffee detoxing, thyrogen, gluten-free eating, and food combining. Now for a bit of down time and peace...<3