06 February 2013

Inner peace struggles.

Sometimes it's difficult to attain inner peace, when your thoughts are muddied by that looming to-do list during the work week. When I find myself overwhelmed by all of the items calling my attention at work, I tend to just push forward, without giving consideration to how this affects me, on a deep level, in terms of my emotional well being. I try to slow down but it seems forced and it's like my mind is bent on moving forward at the fastest pace possible, at any cost. It's strange because today I felt much more worked up and anxious compared to yesterday. Yesterday, even though I was playing catch-up after a day off, since I've been sick, I felt a bit more balanced and composed. I'm thinking maybe it was the yoga I did the day before, or the positive affirmations I was saying to myself throughout the work day yesterday, that lifted my spirits and made me feel much more at ease. Today, on the other hand, I was wound up like jack in the box. I even stepped out to get a breath of fresh air, stopping by Saladworks for lunch, and yet this wasn't enough to change my mood. I tried the positive affirmations to change my mindset a bit, and I wasn't feelin' it and fell off that bandwagon really quickly. In an effort to get myself back on track in feeling more peaceful during the hectic work day, I need to really start keeping a notebook of those ideas that sit well with me to motivate me  and make me feel more positive and confident and in effect, more peacefully productive when I'm at work. As I've been sick, since last Friday (I caught a pesky bug from a coworker), I've had some time to contemplate how to improve certain aspects of my life that need a little much fixing, by just taking a break from all the noise.

My mind tends to race throughout the work week, and I've realized that thinking itself can be a problem. It seems necessary to analyze everything when you're analytical by nature but this can be of detriment sometimes when you're trying to solve a problem. It's kind of like driving on the same highway each day to work and not noticing the beautiful trees that line the one side. Some of the best moments arise when we turn off our thoughts and act more spontaneously. For once, the beautiful tall greenery to the left of the highway comes into view and it's like seeing with a new pair of eyes. I have some of the best conversations and articulate myself more clearly when I'm not putting so much pressure on how I craft my sentences or how I'm speaking, and rather just allow the message to formulate itself freely without any preparation. It's a nice feeling to free oneself from restraint and be truly present. It really is about being present. Not dwelling on past grievances. Not worrying about the future. Just being and letting be. I find at work, I tend to rehearse what I'm going to say before I say it, many times, and the words don't flow naturally and come out the way I hope. In fact they come out worse than they would had I not been so self-conscious and analytical about it. I need to remind myself that it's not that complicated and it's best to just let go and let whatever needs to happen, happen. Sometimes it's hard because there's the fear of screwing up, but the truth is, perfectionism is a bitch and does more harm than good. Nothing is perfect anyway so there's no sense in striving to attain the unattainable. That's the crux of it. So being present is important. That's all we have, isn't it? I can't remember who said that but it's stuck with me. It makes sense. Where else would great memories come from?

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