Facebook status update.

Today I promised myself I would stay away from facebook. It's only 11:02 a.m. and I can safely say I am adhering to my intrinsic desire to keep my distance. Thus far, I have only been on the site a total of four or five times. There is some really shady ish going on at times on this site. For starters, I got this very strange friend request the other day when I was using my Kindle Fire and accepted it, yet the person didn't appear on my friends list. I keep seeing the person's profile over and over, but am still unsure as to what that was about since the friend request came through but when I accepted, he didn't appear on my list of friends.

Then I went on a family member's account (with his permission of course) to see what my profile looked like from an outsider's perspective. When I logged back into my account, there was a friend's request from the family member's account, even though I had been on that account moments prior and did not send the request. When I went back to check the activity log of the family member's page, there was no indication of any friend request having been sent. Very weird. This got me thinking, what if random friend requests are being sent to those profiles I've looked into regularly? This idea made me panic a bit inside, but I realize if it's happening, it's out of my control, so there's no sense in worrying about it. I just reallllllly reallly hope the guy at work whose site I've checked a few too many times has not received any notifications pertaining to my page. How embarrassing would that be? Oh well, again, I can't worry about this stuff.

Facebook friends..um, not.

As a continuation of my last post, so I messaged my friend several hours ago sarcastically thanking him for deleting my posts (After sending the message, on impulse I deleted him from my friends list. Acting impulsively has seemed to serve me right as of late, so I thought why the heck not?) Then I compulsively checked my FB page for the next four hours, mostly awaiting his response. Funny how if I don't respond to him right away when he contacts me, he'll continue to contact me obsessively to solicit a response as soon as possible, yet I have to just deal with his casual placing me on the back burner and making me an afterthought. He writes me back stating that my posts were not relevant to the topic at hand. He thought they were more appropriate for a private message, and he intended to talk this over by phone the next time we talked. Is this for real? So you're going to censor me, of all places, on facebook? Then you want to have an in-depth discussion about my posting to your wall or timeline or whatever? What happened to being playful and appreciating spontaneity? What happened to your sense of humor, your ability to lighten up and have fun? It's freaking facebook. It's not that serious. In fact, it's not serious at all. Something else that just got serious however, is your over analysis of stupid ish like what I post on your timeline in good fun, and your desire to have a detailed discussion about it.

This facebook experience over the past few days has really opened my eyes, for starters, to this so-called friend's major insecurity issues. He's got 500+ friends and shows up as a friend of nearly anyone who pops up on my screen. The fact that he has more than 500 virtual friends, yet doesn't get out much, is very telling in terms of how he views himself. I actually feel pity for him because he has so many virtual friends and hardly any real ones. I would rather be real and post comments on a whim and not give a crap about what the 500 hundred virtual friends think, because they're not real friends nor do they matter in the real sense.

As for my facebook friends, I currently have three total after ditching this insecure one. Currently, I am contemplating deleting two of the remaining three as one of them was suggested by the aforementioned person and his posts don't do anything but annoy me, and the other one is someone with whom I was friends with during my college years, yet we drifted apart, and despite trying to reconnect since having joined facebook, she's not that responsive. All in all, there's only one facebook friend whose posts make me laugh and who I could see hanging out with, in the real world. That person is actually one of the only reasons I'm giving this thing a chance, to see if other connections could potentially be rekindled or created, not in the artificial sense, but as an addendum to my reality. I'm all about being real, and if someone can't accept that and decides my posts aren't good enough for his FB page, he can move along. Keep the facade going with your facebook friends. See what that does for your life.

Whyyy facebook, whyyy?

Why did I rejoin facebook? Although I only joined five days ago, I'm already contemplating deactivating my account. I literally feel the impulse to check it every five seconds, for no other reason than to see who comes up on the search bar when I type every letter of the alphabet, to check on whether anyone has sent me a message or submitted a friend request, and to review my ever stagnant timeline. Nothing is happening, yet I continue to go back in the hopes something has changed. Each time I sign it, I feel like I lose a piece of my soul. It's a soul-sucking vortex, I tell you. Even tonight, I signed on a few times, despite being surrounded by family in celebration of the holiday, and felt guilty each time I snuck away for a another facebook peek.

When reviewing my activity log, I discovered that a friend had deleted several posts I had entered into his timeline. That pissed me off. Aside from sending him a message voicing my thoughts, I then deleted him as a friend, reducing my overflowing group of friends from four to three. I'm cool like that. I'm not getting much out of facebook other than the hope that something potentially good could come of it in the future, like expanding my social connections. At the present time, the inactivity is not sitting well with me, and I have the urge to escape. It feels like I'm at a party, sitting in a corner, hoping for someone to reach out and initiate something with me, to throw me a bone. I sip from my cup slowly, peering up at the crowd before me, preparing for my exit. It feels right, this getting ready to leave. It's that awkward moment when you wish you never showed up and wonder why you did.

It reminds me of a party I went to a year or so after college. It was either a birthday party or a graduation party of a friend I used to be close with in high school but lost touch with in college. I was not very well acquainted with her group of friends and though I debated attending the event, I ultimately decided to go, out of respect for my friend and wanting to be a good sport. It was such an uncomfortable experience. I remember feeling so out of place and not knowing what to do or say. All of her friends knew each other and were grouped together chatting, and I just could not bring myself to maneuver myself into the conversation, so I sat off to the side. A boyfriend of one of my friend's friends sat beside me and talked to me a little bit, but even that was awkward. At one point, I talked to my friend's mom and at another point, I tried talking to two other girls who were engaged in conversation and I got the feeling they didn't want me to be included. It was such a feeling of not belonging that I felt and it so parallels how I feel on facebook. Even my friend, who I considered to be a close confidante, can't be bothered with me. 

Running on pure emotion.

There's this game I play when I'm doing something I know I should not be doing, yet continue to do it (or at least don't try to fight it). What happens is, I assure myself that 'I can stop... when I want to... I'll get around to it.' This, of course, is never a good game to play. Okay, so it feels good, and I really like it, because I realize that I'm freaking human and I can always begin again, later, when I recover from being in a funk. Let's take facebook for example. I just reactivated my account. In reality, I just activated an account, as my old account has been obsolete for the past seven years. It was junior year of college when I deleted the damn thing, vowing never to return. Oh wait, didn't I do that with coffee five years ago? Wait, didn't I do that with... yeah, I can think of a few more things.

Anyway, regarding facebook, over the past few years, I have toyed with the idea of becoming a member again and I finally bit the bullet this past Sunday. (I broke all kind of rules this weekend; drank coffee after nearly three weeks of refraining from it. Okay, so that's only one other rule, but it was a big one and led to me binging on chocolate all week.) So aside from compulsively checking my facebook since having joined once again, because I'm an addict like that, I keep happening to catch a glampse of what's-his-face's profile pic (you know.. the guy I thought was into me, who ended up being *cough* *ahem* *cough* MARRIED). Wtf?! Okay, so I ate two rows of chocolate brownies tonight (half with walnuts, half without, for those who want the full deets). Definitely not beating myself for that or for the fact that when I type in the first letter of what's-his-face's name in the search bar of FB, his profile pic pops up. Like damn, can't a girl catch a break?

Rather than beat myself up for feeling how I'm feeling, I'm going with the flow of these emotions, with the understanding that I'll get around to getting over this shiz when I get around to it, as with all things. Setbacks are the nature of being human. Disappointment is inevitable at times. Emotions can overtake us and make us give into our old habits. Chocolate and coffee make things better, at least temporarily, and that's good enough for me. 

Another chocolate bar bites the dust.

The amount of chocolate I eat (or caffeine I consume) is directly proportionate to how emotional I am feeling. Therefore, one can estimate my level of emotion given that I downed an entire bar both today and yesterday. I must say Trader Joe's Organic 72% Cacao Belgian Dark Chocolate Bar beats the heck out of Green & Black's. Just sayin'. That's my humble opinion. Anyway, I had two freaking cups of decaf coffee this morning. Yes, I drank decaf like it was my business, when in fact it was not good at all. It was way too acidic and made my head feel a bit weird, so there will be no more of that. Furthermore, the taste was not on par with the real thing, despite being a reputable brand. So screw the decaf. Not having it any longer. First and last day of that ish.

Okay, so I was feeling drained emotionally at the end of the (work) day and therefore lost all inhibition and went for it (the chocolate) full board. Why, you ask, was I feeling this way? Well, for starters, as I mentioned in my last post (if you happened to pave your way through all the rambling), I just found out recently this guy I have been crushin' on really bad is married. Yup, not purely taken, but married, as in off the market, permanently. How's that for a cold dose of reality? At least I had the weekend to soak in that realization. Then of course, came the surrendering to caffeine. Okay, so I overheard him speaking today and caught a very minor glimpse of him, which kind of set off a trail of unexpected emotions. Over it much? The fact that I felt myself shaking made me realize.. not quite. Couple that with the fact that I didn't converse with any of my coworkers today (save for a few minor pleasantries in passing), and my boss pretty much talked to everyone but me, and I was left feeling left out, and like I was in solitary confinement (without of course the benefit of not being surrounded on each side by people who don't care to communicate with me). It makes me sad thinking about it. Every day at work it's the same in that regard. The lack of human contact spurs in depth analysis, as if there were a way to 'think' myself out of this situation and corresponding feelings of rejection.

You see, we have this new office set up where I sit in the far corner of a cubicle division, composed of four separate cubes. I am flanked on either side by two male coworkers. These two guys are friends with one another. They hang out and go places together like Wawa and sometimes walk over to each other's cubes to chat, yet they never initiate conversation with me. No 'hi,' 'bye,' nothing. Hell, I'm lucky if I get a 'God Bless You' when I sneeze. I truly made an effort to reach out to the guy sitting nearest me by retrieving some of his faxes and placing them on his desk for the first week or so in this new office set up, yet he barely acknowledged me in doing so; thus, I gave up on that. I've also said 'goodnight' and 'have a good weekend,' yet the last time I said this, he sounded perturbed, so it's made me stop making an effort in that regard also. The thing is, I enjoy a sense of quiet. However, in this environment, there's something so awkward and uncomfortable about it, because I sit so close to these two people, yet they hardly say a word to me, and of course I internalize it and it sets of a flurry of negative self-deprecating thoughts. It makes me feel like an outcast, like I did something wrong, even though logically, I know I can't be blamed for their keeping mum and choosing to exclude me from their interactions. It doesn't make me feel any less isolated knowing this, though. 

Some days it feels like I'm invisible, like I'm a fly on the wall that everyone would prefer to swat away. Today, I tried not to let it get to me by telling myself that my shyness is a positive and if they can't appreciate me for me, it's their loss. With that said, I can't shake this constant feeling of isolation. There is one guy, who doesn't sit close to me, but rather on the other end of the room, who will occasionally initiate conversation with me, and it's like this small beam of light in the darkness that I can't help but admire and savor, while it lasts. It's like he perceives me feeling left out and tries to offer some sense of connection. For that, I feel grateful. As for the people who pass in the hall who might offer what seems on the surface to be a platitude, to me, it means so much more. 

I was twenty one days into this caffeine free life, when things went a bit wrong. Okay, things went very wrong. So last night, I went to the city to visit a close friend. It has been ages since we have hung out and I have been looking forward to this moment. Two months ago and I would have been truly present in the moment and focused solely on our meeting, but last night, I had some other things weighing on my mind, namely this guy at work, who I have been into since September, when we connected and I first felt the sparks and saw the signs that meant he was interested, or so I thought. Anyway, so even though I have not seen him in nearly a month, and was in the process of making every effort to move past him, thoughts of him continued to pop up even during my train ride downtown last night. It kinda put a damper on my excitement, not fully but partially, as my mind wasn't fully focused on the impending get together with my friend. So I take the train down to Market East in Philly, and meet my friend at the loading dock upon exiting. We exchange pleasantries. This involves me jumping up and down and freaking out about finally seeing him and telling him he looks like he did in college, and him responding that we need to stop at CVS on the way to his place. He seemed stressed and was nowhere near as hyped as me, which made me feel kinda bad. I ask him what's up and he tells me he's just been very busy all day, cleaning his place and preparing for tonight. We then go to CVS, where he purchases some toiletries and a few cleaning products. Afterward, we stroll to the subway, taking it to the stop nearest his place, and then walk the remainder of the way in the cold, passing by the hospital where he used to work, on our way. Upon entering the house he's currently renting, with two other roommates, he shows me through the space, and then we sit down at the dining room table to talk over champagne. All is going well. He then introduces me to his roommates, who also enjoy some champagne with us while we discuss relationships for a bit. At one point, something reminds me of the coworker I've been thinking about, and I can't help but drop him into the convo. No one seems to care and it makes me wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut. His roommates then go out to the bar and we agree to text them later in the evening, after we get a bite to eat. My friend and I, at my urging, sing 'Everything has changed.' So then some crazy ish goes down. Basically, my friend is on facebook, and I have this urge to tell him to look up my coworker, after feeling a slight hesitation to make such a request. He had previously told me he'd searched for him weeks prior, but was unable to find him. After scrolling down, I immediately see a photo of him and a woman and say 'He has a girlfriend.' My stomach sinks. My friend opens the page,'That's him?' 'Yes, he has a girlfriend.' He clicks on the guy's main page. My friend says, 'Oh my gosh, he's married!' I try to maintain my composure, while my stomach is doing acrobatics. I confirm it with my own eyes. 'Oh my God.' My friend says, 'He just got married, yesterday.' 'Or at least, recently,' I respond. We sift through the photos, depicting said coworker and his wife and friends. Shame washes over me in droves. I sit in disbelief before getting up and exclaiming that this is crazy, how did I misread the signs, this explains why I haven't seen him in a month. This explains the vacation. This explains why a coworker congratulated him for an inaudible reason, which I half-jokingly assumed was due to an engagement or marriage, but hadn't been able to secure any concrete proof. In fact, I've been analyzing the situation for a month, wondering what the heck went wrong, why everything that had at first seemed so right had fallen through and stopped making sense when I'd stopped seeing him around the office. Seeing his facebook page provided closure. However, I felt so torn over the whole situation. I needed time to think. I wanted to go home and reflect on it further, but my friend and I had plans. I came all this way and didn't want to ruin the evening, but was feeling quite emotional. Shortly thereafter, despite my internal struggle to accept this new reality, we went to dinner, followed by two bars. It actually turned out to be quite fun. More on that later. However, I didn't get the sleep I needed and felt I deserved to implement some leniency on myself just for today, so I had a few cups of coffee and had a box of double chocolate cookies. Problem solved. New beginnings. Also, I rejoined facebook for the first time in seven years. I figured, ah what the hell. There's not much to lose, but much to gain with some potential future connections and I consider it a new little hobby. My instinct was demanding that I do it, so I followed through as soon as I returned home, while sipping my first cup after the twenty-some day hiatus. It felt good. Overall, I'm just happy to have uncovered this critical detail about my 'crush' sooner rather than later, despite it still hurting a bit. It mostly took me by surprise. However, as my friend put it, 'Better to have a few weeks of moroseness over the whole situation, than months upon months to a year or so without knowing and then experiencing extreme hurt in the end, and wasting all that time, because you weren't aware.' Another tidbit of advice he gave me, 'Be sure to check out the hardware' as that is my flaw. I fail, every single time, to check the digits for a ring. In this case, it likely would not have resolved anything as I don't think he was wearing the ring, and do believe he just got married before I stopped seeing him around the office. However, it's good to keep in mind. Sparks or not, facts are facts, and better to go in with all the details than be blindsided and experience the blow. So that's my lesson learned this time around. Also, I realize that if I'm questioning things too much (ie. overanalysis in overdrive) or making excuses, that's never a good sign. Another positive: everything happens for a reason and for one's greatest good. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Back on Gluten

After 17 days of being gluten-free and noticing my skin seems to be worsening and I'm more hungry than ever, I have decided to halt the gluten-free diet. I have previously been tested for celiac disease and tested negative. Now I know that there are false negatives, and you can be gluten-intolerant despite not having celiac disease. However, I just don't feel satisfied with this gluten-free diet. Although I have noticed I'm more 'regular' since having gone gluten-free, it hasn't completely eliminated my digestive issues.

Also, I have been losing weight, which I cannot afford, and I feel a lingering sense of hunger all the time. I want to be able to live my life and given that there's no definitive proof that I have celiac disease or am gluten intolerant, I don't see a reason for me to deprive myself. So that's it. I made a valiant effort, greater than two weeks. I would think my skin wouldn't be getting more rashy if this gluten-free diet were right for me. I could hold out the full three weeks, but I don't think 4 days is really going to make much of a difference, so I don't see the point. My body is telling me to bring back the gluten, so I'm listening.

One of the instigating factors to me having started this diet was the fact that my Uncle has celiac disease and my Grandmom was recently diagnosed, so I began to ponder my risk for it. However, as stated above, I have tested negative in the past year or so, and so without any concrete evidence to demonstrate that I should abstain from gluten, I feel I should continue to have it.