30-day meditation challenge.

I'm beginning a 30-day meditation challenge. Tonight was my first night back on track and it is my goal to write down how it feels before, during, and after each session, or as many sessions as possible to gauge my progress. Therefore, to move towards that end, I'll summarize tonight's effort:

Before: It took a lot of self-prepping to go to my designated meditation room, set my alarm, and plant my butt on my bed and get started. Procrastination was the name of the game. In my mind, I had every excuse in the book. I almost convinced myself to hold off until tomorrow. However, I'm very glad I followed through with my initial desire because it would have been just another day of empty promises to myself. Hate when I do that. Taking action is the only way to getting anywhere or achieving anything, even peace of mind or clarity. The first step is to carve out the time and space for meditation.

During: When I sat down, I felt a mixture of relief and stress. A sort of 'here we go' type feeling. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. I felt a wave of heat traverse through me; a few hot flash type sensations. A few thoughts of the future, and those items that need to be done, came to me. Moving past those to-do list tasks, I tried intermittently to concentrate on my breath as my mind wavered from sending positive thoughts into the universe to more anticipatory thoughts. Before I knew it, the alarm went off and the session had come to a close. It seemed to pass by much more quickly than I had expected. I felt a sense of relief and accomplishment.

After: Immediately after the alarm went off, I felt like checking this off my to-do list [don't judge] but also, I felt very tired, and a need to lie down came over me. Briefly attending to this need, I rested a few moments and then made note on my calendar that I meditated before perusing the internet to research the hot flash type sensation that I had experienced during the beginning of the session. As I sit here, about thirty minutes since the session's end, I feel somewhat calm. I am noticing minor sounds such as water dripping and creaking in the wall that I might otherwise not attend to as there's other external noise (such as television) dominating my senses. Also, it feels as though I am a bit less reactive, not focusing so much on any given thought, but rather allowing my thoughts to flow more freely.

My thoughts on meditation

I have finally committed to meditating at least fifteen minutes per day. This started three days ago. I have been interested in meditation for a while, and have even made the effort to meditate on a daily basis in the past, yet I didn’t keep it going, for one reason or another; maybe I’ll expand more on that later. Now, I feel like I’ve reached my stride and will be diligent about it. I plan on making it thirty days straight for starters, fifteen minutes or more, per day. Just fifteen minutes each day is sufficient, however. For me, it helps that it’s done in a certain position, with an alarm that sounds softly at the end of the session, so that my focus is directed away from the sensation of my back resting against an object and I don't have to be distracted in keeping track of time. My method of meditation is as follows:

1. Set alarm for 15 minutes

2. Sit upright with spine straight and feet flat on the floor, hand with palms facing upward on thighs, eyes closed

3. Begin meditation, focusing on your breathing as you go

4. Open eyes once the alarm sounds

Key points:

a) You will experience an urge to act upon some of your thoughts during meditation. For instance, the thought of that bill that’s due in a week and needs to be paid pronto or that test for which you need to study may prompt you to get off your butt and do those things which will seem to require immediate attention. At minimum, you may want to write down those items that come to mind so you will not forget to do them. Don’t. Resist those urges. Remain seated and bring your attention back to the movement of your breath.

b) You may feel like this is a waste of time. It’s not. Meditation will help bring insight and allow you to balance and strengthen your mind and body, if you make time for it. Have faith in this. I do, and I’m no expert on the act of meditation. I’m just a beginner who has devoted a measly fifteen minutes per day for three days thus far, but this is my belief. Furthermore, fifteen minutes is really a breeze. At first, it may seem like a struggle to quiet your mind since you may feel the need to be doing something all times. After having meditated for the past three days, I now look forward to it. Being able to disregard those seemingly pressing obligations that arise in one's mind, is quite the respite. It’s as though I’m giving myself permission to turn off that noise which clutters my mind. It solidifies the fact that I'm the one in control, not my thoughts. 

c) The first sit-down may be the most challenging. Then again, it seems a new challenge will arise each time you assume your meditation posture. This is part of the process. Three nights ago, I wanted to stop mid-meditation because it felt like the end was nowhere in sight. I started to worry as to whether or not I had even set my alarm. I felt tempted to open my eyes just to take a peek at the clock. Another area of frustration was attempting to tune out my thoughts and focus primarily on my breathing. At a certain point, my breath was doing its own thing, my heart was racing, and I felt very much hot and bothered (in an annoyed sense). However, I pressed on and something unexpected occurred. At one point, I began contemplating how I react on impulse at times. I thought about how I react brashly at times. Then, the realization that I could react differently, by choice, came to me. Might I consider a different approach should such a situation arise wherein I feel offended or agitated? The alarm went off as I was analyzing my behavior. I was relieved that I had been patient enough to make it the whole way through without peeking at the clock and a bit surprised at snippet of clarity I’d achieved as a result of holding on until the alarm sounded.

d) Tranquility is a side-effect of meditation. I remember meeting a Reiki healer a while back. She had such an intensely calming presence. Before the Reiki session, I had felt a mixture of fear and anxiety. However, sitting across from her put me at ease. She inquired as to whether or not I meditated and I told her I did and the length of time I devoted to it, which was minimal. She recommended that I meditate for an hour each day. This suggestion has stuck with me and I'm now working towards the goal of allotting an hour per day to meditation. Meeting her cemented my belief that meditation really does have a calming effect on people, given the warmth and peace she emanated.

What I have learned from my brief interlude into learning meditation thus far has been that it’s not as difficult as you may think to carve out the time to do it. You know how quickly fifteen minutes pass when you’re perusing the internet? Could you instead use that time, once a day, to sit in a private space with your eyes closed, focused on your breath and achieving a state of peace? You may just walk away breathing a bit deeper and having gained some insight on your life.

Baker's chocolate and coconut flour cookies.

I am obsessed with Baker's 100% chocolate bar (no, I am not affiliated in any way with this company nor have I been paid to promote or comment on this product). Who knew it was so easy to whip up a delectable chocolate treat, without any 'bad' sugar, by just melting a square in the microwave for 50 seconds and then mixing the smooth chocolate cream with raw honey, before slathering it on a homemade coconut flour cookie? It's seriously my favorite chocolate of all time, with the raw honey added for sweetness. It hits the spot and satisfies the need for chocolate without any additives. My new love! Where have you been?

Happenings & H Pylori.

So it's been almost two weeks (tomorrow will mark 2 wks to the day) since I began the GAPS diet, in a slightly modified form. The first week I was recovering from a cold so I was eating a lot of chicken broth but now I'm just sticking to the basic principles. A few days I had some grains, but these caused stomach upset so I backed off and am back to eliminating grains and eating only those foods on the full GAPS diet list. Had it not been for H Pylori I would not have committed to eating only those foods allowed on full GAPS, because it is a bit restrictive and takes some time to adapt, but I'm at the point where I don't crave sugar (save honey) and that is a major accomplishment for me. Occasionally, I'll crave bread or gluten in some form, but I have figured out a way to move past these cravings, while satiating my appetite. My staples are definitely meat, fruit, vegetables, coconut flour cookies/bread, and coconut oil. I've been taking coconut oil at 3 tsp in warm/hot water each evening as apparently this is supposed to help fight the bacteria, and I'm hoping it does the trick. I'm optimistic. I tried probiotics for about three days a week ago and quit taking those as they weren't sitting too well with me. I may try again in the future, but for now I'm sticking with GAPS and the coconut oil to try to combat the infection.

Inner peace struggles.

Sometimes it's difficult to attain inner peace, when your thoughts are muddied by that looming to-do list during the work week. When I find myself overwhelmed by all of the items calling my attention at work, I tend to just push forward, without giving consideration to how this affects me, on a deep level, in terms of my emotional well being. I try to slow down but it seems forced and it's like my mind is bent on moving forward at the fastest pace possible, at any cost. It's strange because today I felt much more worked up and anxious compared to yesterday. Yesterday, even though I was playing catch-up after a day off, since I've been sick, I felt a bit more balanced and composed. I'm thinking maybe it was the yoga I did the day before, or the positive affirmations I was saying to myself throughout the work day yesterday, that lifted my spirits and made me feel much more at ease. Today, on the other hand, I was wound up like jack in the box. I even stepped out to get a breath of fresh air, stopping by Saladworks for lunch, and yet this wasn't enough to change my mood. I tried the positive affirmations to change my mindset a bit, and I wasn't feelin' it and fell off that bandwagon really quickly. In an effort to get myself back on track in feeling more peaceful during the hectic work day, I need to really start keeping a notebook of those ideas that sit well with me to motivate me  and make me feel more positive and confident and in effect, more peacefully productive when I'm at work. As I've been sick, since last Friday (I caught a pesky bug from a coworker), I've had some time to contemplate how to improve certain aspects of my life that need a little much fixing, by just taking a break from all the noise.

My mind tends to race throughout the work week, and I've realized that thinking itself can be a problem. It seems necessary to analyze everything when you're analytical by nature but this can be of detriment sometimes when you're trying to solve a problem. It's kind of like driving on the same highway each day to work and not noticing the beautiful trees that line the one side. Some of the best moments arise when we turn off our thoughts and act more spontaneously. For once, the beautiful tall greenery to the left of the highway comes into view and it's like seeing with a new pair of eyes. I have some of the best conversations and articulate myself more clearly when I'm not putting so much pressure on how I craft my sentences or how I'm speaking, and rather just allow the message to formulate itself freely without any preparation. It's a nice feeling to free oneself from restraint and be truly present. It really is about being present. Not dwelling on past grievances. Not worrying about the future. Just being and letting be. I find at work, I tend to rehearse what I'm going to say before I say it, many times, and the words don't flow naturally and come out the way I hope. In fact they come out worse than they would had I not been so self-conscious and analytical about it. I need to remind myself that it's not that complicated and it's best to just let go and let whatever needs to happen, happen. Sometimes it's hard because there's the fear of screwing up, but the truth is, perfectionism is a bitch and does more harm than good. Nothing is perfect anyway so there's no sense in striving to attain the unattainable. That's the crux of it. So being present is important. That's all we have, isn't it? I can't remember who said that but it's stuck with me. It makes sense. Where else would great memories come from?

Ridding myself of fake reality that is reality television

I used to watch tv every night, almost. My shows of choice included The Bachelor, and any reality show I could get my greedy little eyes on. Now I feel empty and as though I’m wasting time when watching.  I feel as though there are far better uses for time than staring blankly at a black box, letting it do all the work for me. I made the choice, a few weeks back, to not watch as often. I would say that for the past month or so I’ve been watching a maximum of 2-3 hours per week, if that. That’s not being conservative.  My reasons are rather ethical in nature. To appreciate life, my rule is that you must be present and not distracted by any drama which is not truthful.

Many reality shows are not as real as one many think (you will discover this in conducting research online or by word-of-mouth). I used to delude myself for instance, into thinking that most of what went on in The Hills truly happened. Kristen really did get together with Justin and this in effect caused Audrina a significant amount of emotional pain, given that she and he were the ones with the authentic connection. Even though I read an article wherein Lauren Conrad indicated she was forced to dress in all solid colors and to paint her walls specific colors, I still believed that despite this, most of what went on in the show was true. Then she revealed more details, including the fact that the producers would text her and other cast members, suggesting that they say this or that, to create controversy in the storyline. I concluded then that the show was fake, but continued watching. I’m a masochist like that. 

When a Hills marathon was on several months back, I plugged in as per my usual giddy self, and like the other Hills addicts, was glued to my screen for the weekend. I watched each scene and dissected the real from the obvious improvisations and felt annoyed at the ending of the final episode. It belied the viewer, making one believe as though the meaning of the show was in its entirety so symbolic. It’s all a pile of nonsense. My point is that I’ve made the choice to stop deluding myself. I am no longer living vicariously through the characters, no longer envying them, longing for life to be as exciting as it is for them, given the constant drama with which they all must contend. Now that I have dipped my toes into the pool of reality, and reduced the extent of which reality tv plays a role in my life, I have begun to feel an overpowering sense of liberation. 

For the first time in quite some time, I feel competent, capable, and creative. That reminds me of a Chinese fortune cookie message I received many years ago, which read: “You’re competent, creative, and capable. Prove it.” As a matter of fact, I still have that little strip of paper sitting around somewhere. So, there you have it fortune cookie master. I’m proving it. I’m behind on the eight ball on that one, but better late than never, right? Now that I’ve relinquished my tv obsession, I have the time to take walks in the park, play the bass, write, and engage in other creative pursuits, and am not scheduling my life around the blank black box.

Do I feel somewhat aggravated that for the past few years, I have allowed others to live their live joyously at my expense, because I bought into the bullshit? Uh, yeah. Yet, there’s a saying that goes something to the effect of: If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it. But I did and it’s done. Going forward, I do not plan to cheat myself like that, out of the true beauty that is life aside from television. So I bid adieu to reality tv in large part. You aren’t worth my precious time.

Chocolate

Oh how I love thee. You encompass my mind in the week before my period. Hence, why I’m craving you so intensely as of late. I wonder if it’s the fact that my body is in need of magnesium, or some other mineral or vitamin or whatever. I read an article today that stated that the body needs fat, hence the chocolate craving. I didn’t realize that chocolate equates to fat. I am pretty thin however, so the author of that article may be on to something. Perhaps it’s the melee I feel after satiating myself with dozens upon dozens of chocolate chips; the emotional high it yields in the aftermath. Quite possibly it’s the sugar itself contained within the delectable chocolate pieces that trigger the craving. It seems when I eat a little bit of sugar one day, I’ll inevitably crave it the next day, and the cycle continues. However, I don’t like depriving myself of life’s luxuries and sugar is a luxury of which I have access, so why avoid it?