I was twenty one days into this caffeine free life, when things went a bit wrong. Okay, things went very wrong. So last night, I went to the city to visit a close friend. It has been ages since we have hung out and I have been looking forward to this moment. Two months ago and I would have been truly present in the moment and focused solely on our meeting, but last night, I had some other things weighing on my mind, namely this guy at work, who I have been into since September, when we connected and I first felt the sparks and saw the signs that meant he was interested, or so I thought. Anyway, so even though I have not seen him in nearly a month, and was in the process of making every effort to move past him, thoughts of him continued to pop up even during my train ride downtown last night. It kinda put a damper on my excitement, not fully but partially, as my mind wasn't fully focused on the impending get together with my friend. So I take the train down to Market East in Philly, and meet my friend at the loading dock upon exiting. We exchange pleasantries. This involves me jumping up and down and freaking out about finally seeing him and telling him he looks like he did in college, and him responding that we need to stop at CVS on the way to his place. He seemed stressed and was nowhere near as hyped as me, which made me feel kinda bad. I ask him what's up and he tells me he's just been very busy all day, cleaning his place and preparing for tonight. We then go to CVS, where he purchases some toiletries and a few cleaning products. Afterward, we stroll to the subway, taking it to the stop nearest his place, and then walk the remainder of the way in the cold, passing by the hospital where he used to work, on our way. Upon entering the house he's currently renting, with two other roommates, he shows me through the space, and then we sit down at the dining room table to talk over champagne. All is going well. He then introduces me to his roommates, who also enjoy some champagne with us while we discuss relationships for a bit. At one point, something reminds me of the coworker I've been thinking about, and I can't help but drop him into the convo. No one seems to care and it makes me wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut. His roommates then go out to the bar and we agree to text them later in the evening, after we get a bite to eat. My friend and I, at my urging, sing 'Everything has changed.' So then some crazy ish goes down. Basically, my friend is on facebook, and I have this urge to tell him to look up my coworker, after feeling a slight hesitation to make such a request. He had previously told me he'd searched for him weeks prior, but was unable to find him. After scrolling down, I immediately see a photo of him and a woman and say 'He has a girlfriend.' My stomach sinks. My friend opens the page,'That's him?' 'Yes, he has a girlfriend.' He clicks on the guy's main page. My friend says, 'Oh my gosh, he's married!' I try to maintain my composure, while my stomach is doing acrobatics. I confirm it with my own eyes. 'Oh my God.' My friend says, 'He just got married, yesterday.' 'Or at least, recently,' I respond. We sift through the photos, depicting said coworker and his wife and friends. Shame washes over me in droves. I sit in disbelief before getting up and exclaiming that this is crazy, how did I misread the signs, this explains why I haven't seen him in a month. This explains the vacation. This explains why a coworker congratulated him for an inaudible reason, which I half-jokingly assumed was due to an engagement or marriage, but hadn't been able to secure any concrete proof. In fact, I've been analyzing the situation for a month, wondering what the heck went wrong, why everything that had at first seemed so right had fallen through and stopped making sense when I'd stopped seeing him around the office. Seeing his facebook page provided closure. However, I felt so torn over the whole situation. I needed time to think. I wanted to go home and reflect on it further, but my friend and I had plans. I came all this way and didn't want to ruin the evening, but was feeling quite emotional. Shortly thereafter, despite my internal struggle to accept this new reality, we went to dinner, followed by two bars. It actually turned out to be quite fun. More on that later. However, I didn't get the sleep I needed and felt I deserved to implement some leniency on myself just for today, so I had a few cups of coffee and had a box of double chocolate cookies. Problem solved. New beginnings. Also, I rejoined facebook for the first time in seven years. I figured, ah what the hell. There's not much to lose, but much to gain with some potential future connections and I consider it a new little hobby. My instinct was demanding that I do it, so I followed through as soon as I returned home, while sipping my first cup after the twenty-some day hiatus. It felt good. Overall, I'm just happy to have uncovered this critical detail about my 'crush' sooner rather than later, despite it still hurting a bit. It mostly took me by surprise. However, as my friend put it, 'Better to have a few weeks of moroseness over the whole situation, than months upon months to a year or so without knowing and then experiencing extreme hurt in the end, and wasting all that time, because you weren't aware.' Another tidbit of advice he gave me, 'Be sure to check out the hardware' as that is my flaw. I fail, every single time, to check the digits for a ring. In this case, it likely would not have resolved anything as I don't think he was wearing the ring, and do believe he just got married before I stopped seeing him around the office. However, it's good to keep in mind. Sparks or not, facts are facts, and better to go in with all the details than be blindsided and experience the blow. So that's my lesson learned this time around. Also, I realize that if I'm questioning things too much (ie. overanalysis in overdrive) or making excuses, that's never a good sign. Another positive: everything happens for a reason and for one's greatest good. If it's meant to be, it will be.

Back on Gluten

After 17 days of being gluten-free and noticing my skin seems to be worsening and I'm more hungry than ever, I have decided to halt the gluten-free diet. I have previously been tested for celiac disease and tested negative. Now I know that there are false negatives, and you can be gluten-intolerant despite not having celiac disease. However, I just don't feel satisfied with this gluten-free diet. Although I have noticed I'm more 'regular' since having gone gluten-free, it hasn't completely eliminated my digestive issues.

Also, I have been losing weight, which I cannot afford, and I feel a lingering sense of hunger all the time. I want to be able to live my life and given that there's no definitive proof that I have celiac disease or am gluten intolerant, I don't see a reason for me to deprive myself. So that's it. I made a valiant effort, greater than two weeks. I would think my skin wouldn't be getting more rashy if this gluten-free diet were right for me. I could hold out the full three weeks, but I don't think 4 days is really going to make much of a difference, so I don't see the point. My body is telling me to bring back the gluten, so I'm listening.

One of the instigating factors to me having started this diet was the fact that my Uncle has celiac disease and my Grandmom was recently diagnosed, so I began to ponder my risk for it. However, as stated above, I have tested negative in the past year or so, and so without any concrete evidence to demonstrate that I should abstain from gluten, I feel I should continue to have it.

Still goin' strong... caffeine & gluten free.

Not to sound all mushy, but I feel like this detox or cleanse or whatever you wanna call it, essentially this beginning of a gluten-free, caffeine-free lifestyle, is truly a renewal process for me. It's been really difficult for me, these past few weeks. For anyone who is concerned about the numbers, today marks my 18th day off caffeine and my 16th day off gluten. To be honest, I actually like to count the days since I started because it makes me feel like despite the lows I've experienced since the start, I'm making progress. I'm accomplishing something at least.

As far as my cravings, today I didn't really crave caffeine at all. I haven't had much of a yearning for glutenous foods either. However, earlier this week, I was feeling intense pangs of hunger for the coffee. Yes, I wrote hunger because I was ravenous for it. Every fiber of my being called out for it. Thanks be to God, I made it through. It arose the other day at work when I overheard a coworker commenting on how he had to review five hundred pages of medical documentation and needed the pick-me-up and he was asking a coworker to accompany him to my favorite coffee joint in the world --- Wawa. I listened and of course could not help but cue into his voiced need for coffee, which in turn triggered mine. The coworker with whom he was speaking asked him if he'd had any this morning and the guy who wanted to go to Wawa said he had some on the way to work but really needed some more to become motivated to review the medical documentation. As I was listening to their conversation, I realized how lethargic I felt and recognized my need for coffee. Just do it, I told myself.

However, then I thought further about it. In a frenzy, I sent an email to my friend begging him to save me from the calling of the cup of Jo. He didn't respond. It took me a while to work through it but ultimately I decided to push through the feeling of lethargy. When lunch came around, I figured it was too late, I wouldn't be able to savor it to the extent I would have had I bought it earlier, so I figured the following day I could always get it. However, last night, I researched 'how long it takes to regain energy after giving up caffeine' or something to that effect and was relieved to uncover that it can take three weeks or more. This provided me with the encouragement to press on as the rewards do not come instantly, but take time. Also, why give up now when I'm so close to the 30-day point? Who can't get to 30 days? I'll be damned if I can't.

What I've learned is that, I can do this, just as I did it before, and it will benefit me in the long run. Already, I've noticed I'm much more even-keel mood-wise than when I was consuming a cup to one and a half a day. For the first time in a while, I slept the whole night through, dreamed, and woke up only ten minutes before my alarm sounded. This is what I have so wanted, for a peaceful, lengthy slumber. At this point, I don't even see myself considering having coffee. Something about this 18th day has really solidified my decision to keep away from it. The cons of coffee, for me, far outweight the temporary goodness. That's not to say I won't indulge on the rare occasion. I just don't like to be addicted to things. It doesn't feel good. Add in the side effects, and that's enough to keep me from making it a habit once again.

As far as the negatives I've been experiencing, the most prominent negative aspect of this cleanse, aside from a purging of many unpleasant emotions, has been my skin. For some reason, every inch of my face is covered in a very pinkish/reddish rash and I can't seem to stop it from persisting. Each day I wake up to it and with certain foods, it seems to flare. For instance, tonight, I had a chicken and cauliflower dish along with brown rice pasta covered in tomato sauce. Then I followed this meal with a snack of Mary's Gone Crackers Black Pepper crackers, and I feel worse for the wear, complexion-wise. It just feels sooo freakin' irritated and rashy. I'm going with 'it's purifying itself,' although I'm sure it's that I've been stressed lately and certain foods exacerbate it (namely packaged items). Whatever it is, I hope it sorts itself out stat, because it's making me self-conscious.

Today... day 15 (coffee detox), day 13 (gluten-free)

A few changes have occurred in the past two weeks, since giving up caffeine and gluten. For starters, I've noticed that despite the fact that my anxiety still kicks into high gear when I am at work, the annoyance I typically experience when things go unexpectedly does not linger and logic kicks in more easily. For instance, last week, something came up where I was told that I did not need to be on a conference call as a person from a different unit was assigned to handle it. However, an hour before the call was scheduled to take place, I received an email from the party who would be taking the lead on the call as he had wanted to confirm my attendance and thought I would be the only person on my company's behalf involved in the call. Of course, this upset me as although my boss had told me that I need not partake in the call and that another coworker would be assigned, he failed to communicate this to the other parties involved.

Although I did become a bit up in arms and panicked for a good ten minutes, as the call was only a half an hour from taking place and my boss was at lunch and the coworker who was supposed to be assigned was not in the office, I finally resolved to just let whatever happen happen and to simply see what my boss wanted to do when he returned. It ended up not being a big deal, as I presumed would be the case after reflecting upon it. Had I been caffeinated, I'm sure this would have played out a bit differently. At least, I know my frustration would not have dissipated as quickly and I may have dwelled on it a bit longer. My thought process was much more clear and composed in this situation without having had caffeine.

Also, today I received a criticism from my boss, and rather than take it personally and harp on it in my mind, I realized it wasn't all that bad. I didn't feel as defensive about it, and just rectified the issue and moved on, with no hard feelings towards my boss.

Another change I have noticed for the better is the fact that certain actions or attitudes of others do not anger me as much. They still hurt me though. For instance, if I feel ignored or I'm insulted, of course, I feel hurt. The most marked difference is the fact that I feel more sad and emotional than angry. I am able to cry. This is a weird one, as I have been able to cry on occasion, but it's been rough these past few months and it's been difficult for me to break through that emotional barrier throughout the work week, when I've really felt I've needed to purge the build up tension. Since eliminating caffeine, I have been able to release the built up pressure by crying (outside of work). The strange part is that I've been feeling rather down in the late afternoon at times and a bit teary eyed on occasion, which is a new feeling for me. I'm used to feeling extremely anxious after my lunch break, but not sad/depressed. However, I'm feeling more down lately. At the same time, I can at least more clearly reflect on why I'm having those feelings I'm having when not wired with caffeine. It seems to correlate with the stress going on in my life outside of work and the pressures I'm putting on myself in many aspects, work and otherwise. I'm no longer escaping and/or suppressing those feelings with my caffeine habit. Could be a result of eliminating gluten too, who knows.

A few things I've noticed with my anxiety and sadness throughout the work day is there are those activities that exacerbate my feelings and those activities that mitigate those negative feelings (Again, going caffeine/gluten free can be accredited for my achieving this clarity):

- Meditation - When I meditate regularly, I feel better on the whole, more equipped to cope with whatever is thrown my way

- Interaction - The more people with whom I come into contact throughout the day (aside from telephone calls), the less 'down' I feel when the late afternoon rolls around and the more motivated I feel

- Music - This can have dual effects. If I'm trying to concentrate, it's an interference and can trigger my anxiety. If I'm feeling overly anxious and need a release from the quiet tension at work (since it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop and for some reason this makes me feel that any and every movement I make is pronounced), music in this case can be quite the relief I need. If I listen to music throughout the majority of the work day and then try to unwind without it later in the afternoon, I feel anxious. Fast music particularly triggers my anxiety at work.

- Monitoring others - There is a way to check the status of others' work loads in my work environment. When I check on the status of others' tasks, it causes anxiety, without fail.

- Email checking - Checking my email frequently leads to anxiety. It is difficult however to resist the urge! Sometimes it helps if I keep a tally so I don't overdo it, but I struggle with sticking to this method of self-control.

- Voicemail checking - For some reason, whenever the voicemail indicator (a red beady light) is on, I become anxious. It worsens when I retrieve the voicemails as I hate to have any background activities requiring completion and I'd rather get everything done at once and not have to worry about menial tasks, like phone calls, popping up as I then feel like I need to handle them immediately or they just prey on my mind. The beady light and the actual voicemail messages are a deadly combo for my anxiety.

- Deep breathing - Helps me calm down a bit (or very much so, depending on my diligence)

- Focusing on the present - Listening to those sounds in my environment and really attending to the present moment helps relieve some of the fears that contribute to my anxiety. The one problem is when I listen to others speak, there's a lot of internal comparing going on which of course affects me negatively, so I obviously need to work on that aspect.

Coffee detox day 15.

Today will mark the 15th day of my coffee detox process, and I so still want coffee, like right now. It is, to me, an escape, from the intensity of emotions I feel throughout the work week. Last night, I was lying in bed, reading through my past journal entries, from June through this month, and recognized that my craving for coffee had returned full force. As I lay there, reading one journal entry after another, and enjoying myself -- sounds kinda self-centered, but there is something really therapeutic about reading your thoughts from several months ago on daily life -- when I recognized a resurfacing of my coffee craving. How could this be, I pondered, given the fact that I thought habits were supposed to die out after two weeks; that is, that cravings dissipate given a two week hiatus from the source of the craving. Guess that's where the other saying comes in -- Old habits die hard. They truly do. I resigned myself to drink coffee the next morning (today). I was determined to have one cup, nothing more, and then continue back on track with the elimination process. However, when I woke up this morning, I realized this might not be such a great idea. My moods have been so much better since giving it up and having coffee at this point I feel would set me back. Am I still craving it? Absolutely. Could it be because I smelled it several times last night after dinner, just as a feel-good mechanism? Not sure, possibly, because I have not be craving coffee this intensely since the first few days of quitting cold turkey. About the gluten free diet, I'm not sure if this is contributing to the persistent rash on my face. It's making me want to just have gluten to be rid of it, but I think it might be part of the healing in removing it from my system. Could also the hot showers I've been taking be a factor? Most likely, yes. It's a combination of really dry skin and a red rash. Anyway, that is the one element of this whole detox process that has perturbed me the most. While all other aspects seem to be improving, my complexion seems to be headed in the wrong direction, and that to me, is frustrating. My goal is to give it maybe another week to see if there's any improvement.

12th day of detox.

Yesterday was my 12th day off caffeine and 10th day off gluten. Throughout the day, I still had the desire to go to Wawa, but resisted doing so. I had a mini breakdown session at lunch, as I was feeling emotional about unrequited feelings and other elements of work, yet the day ended on a good note. In the late afternoon, I enjoyed chatting with a bunch of coworkers. You could tell Friday was in the air and everyone was gearing up for weekend mode. At about 5 p.m., I was ready to hit the road. On the way home, I reflected a bit on my feelings before jamming to some more Chaka. Then I went to Wegmans and loaded up on several gluten-free items so I would be able to make it through the first full two weeks.

It's not my preference to eat many pre-packaged gluten-free items as I would much prefer to eat whole foods that merely do not contain gluten in their natural state, like rice, sweet potatoes, nuts, fruits, veggies, etc. However, for the longest time, I have wanted to test out GF pizza. So I purchased some GF pizza, GF flour (for pancake making), some lime corn chips, a box of Mary's Gone Crackers, and maple syrup. The GF pizza, which I ended up having for dinner last night was not so good, and by that I mean it was terrible. Oh well, it was worth a try. The fact that it contained skim milk should have been my first clue that it would not sit well with me. The lime corn chips were not so hot either. We shall see what happens with the pancakes.

As far as my coffee addiction, I have been good in that department. I have continued to take a few whiffs every now and again, as it makes me feel good to just smell it, even if I don't fully indulge in the caffeine experience. My energy levels are returning as I feel much more awake in the morning and my moods are much more stable throughout the day.

I cannot attribute my feelings of betterment completely to the lack of gluten and caffeine, however, as I feel meditation has also been a key component to improving my sense of wellness. This past week, I have been slacking in my mediation practice, but yesterday and the day before I meditated and felt much better for doing so. I notice on the days in which I meditate, I have more of an inherent sense of optimism that I'm lacking when I don't. Sometimes, I become so preoccupied with other aspects of my life that I put meditation on the back burner, and the negative voices in my mind seem to take hold. So I guess one could say this 'detox' period is about more than just eliminating caffeine and gluten. It's about healing all around, and I've experienced how meditation plays a major role in this effort. This makes me more motivated to make it a priority, having seen how it benefits me on the whole. Of course, I have my ebbs and flows, which is normal. There are times I don't want to do it, and I don't force it upon myself at all times. I feel like with meditation, you have to be flexible and go with the flow, just as with all aspects of life, including this entire detox journey.

Day 11 of coffee detox.

You know what makes a bad day better? You know what lifts the spirits when all else fails? Chocolate. Coffee. Pick one or the other. They both do the job.

All I wanted tonight was chocolate. Endless pieces of chocolate called my name from the Enjoy Life bag, sealed and unopened since I purchased it several weeks ago. It called me on the drive home from work and it calls me now as I sit here at 8 p.m. typing. Cue Usher, 'You got it, you got it bad.' I feel like it would do me so good, the deep, dark sensual flavor melting in my mouth. Yet, I will not go there. Over it. Okay, not really, but at least I'm making an effort, so that counts for something, right? I'm eleven days into this thing. Eleven freaking days without a single sip of coffee. A few whiffs, yes, but not a single sip.

If I had chocolate, it would undo all the good. After the initial delightful high I would experience while eating it, there would be two inevitable negative side-effects: difficulty falling asleep and heightened anxiety. What I have noticed as a result of doing without chocolate and coffee, is that I feel much more emotional. I have noticed in the late afternoon at work, I feel a surge of anxiety and feel depressed and on the verge of tears. As mentioned before, I still have anxiety and lately I have felt a desire to escape my emotions because they are so intense. Without the caffeine, I'm realizing I used it as a sort of crutch. Feeling emotional or having a crappy day, reach for the bag of chocolate. Eat as much as your heart desires. Feeling on edge after lunch and need something to make it better, go to Wawa and get some coffee. You deserve it. The only problem is the benefits are short-lived. It's a band aid on a scar that needs air to heal. Sure, I'm on top of the world as I savor the 12 oz. Wawa regular and yes, each bite of the chocolate seems to soothe my soul. In reality though, I'm merely suppressing the unwanted emotions that I am supposed to let be. Maybe that's why caffeine makes me so tired, irritable, and anxious later. My body rejecting the suppression. It wants me to feel, no matter how uncomfortable the feelings may be.

While I still feel awkward when talking to some people at work and anxious for the most part when forced to speak in front of others, there has been an improvement. I'm more communicative and not as apt to run away from conversations that I would otherwise if I were jacked up on caffeine. I'm still waking up early, but it's only about an hour early, which is not bad and is much better than waking up at 2 a.m. and not being able to fall back asleep.

No one said it was going to be easy to quit caffeine cold turkey. For me, it was the only way to do it as I don't do moderation well. No one said the positive results would be instantaneous. I almost caved tonight due to my impatience. I thought to myself, 'Why not enjoy life and just have some chocolate? You're not that much more energetic and it's been eleven days. If there hasn't been much of a change by this point, why not just resume eating it.' Yet when I reflect on how awake I felt on my way to work this morning and the fact that I was singing and dancing to Chaka Khan on full blast and having a good old time... when I think about how I initiated more conversations at work today than usual... when I think about how my appetite has returned to normal... I realize I want to continue on this path.