Day 5 of coffee detox.

Today has been going very well with regard to cravings. I only craved coffee once today, when I smelled coffee on someone's breath. That was it. I'm mostly feeling the effects of the second thyrogen injection I received this afternoon. It makes me feel really tired. I'm not experiencing nausea right now, but I just don't feel well. It makes me feel sick, just a general sense of unwellness. I feel like lying down but I feel like writing more, so that's why I decided to come on here and share some of my thoughts. I'm a little restless, yet so worn out at the same time. I'm just really glad I made it through the second injection and it's over and done with, and now I'll just be eager to get the results of my blood work on Monday. Other than that, I am trying to take it easy today. There are a few deadline driven items I must attend to, but having had a rough past two days, I need to give myself at least today to decompress to the fullest extent. No bill paying, no searching for a new place to live, nothing that is too taxing. Just relaxing.

Of note, today is actually the third day being off gluten. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot this week, or at least, it feels like a lot is going on, in a productive way. I'm all about making healthy changes in advance of the New Year. I'm giving up gluten because not only does Celiac disease run in my family, but I have some symptoms (rashy face and some bumps on my chest area as well as anxiety), that I think could be exacerbated, if not caused, by ingesting gluten, and I hope to rule out it's contribution, after taking a break off gluten for a few weeks. The only challenge thus far has been watching out for cross contamination, particular with the toaster and peanut butter. Thus far, I don't have any complaints about it being difficult. It actually feels good to know it could manifest some positive changes. I'm excited to see what the future brings, with my 'pre-New Year' resolutions to exclude caffeine and gluten from my diet. The last glutenous food product I consumed was pizza on Thursday, and I wrote previously about how I woke up with the area around my eyes being noticeably affected (Not sure if I blogged about this or just wrote about it in my journal), but in essence, I awoke to these deep circles beneath my eyes and my face just looked a bit inflamed and irritated. It also caused some digestive issues. Oddly (or coincidentally), my stomach has been doing worlds better without the gluten, even in only three days. That's not to say I don't feel nauseous from the thyrogen, but aside from that, my stomach bloating has dissipated significantly and I'm not noticing the weird gurgling sounds I've heard in the past after consuming gluten-containing foods.

However, the other change (yes, another!) that could be a contributing (positive) factor to my better digestion is the fact that I have been watching my food combinations. That's not to say that I always adhere to the proper food combining standards (ie. starches and veggies, proteins and veggies, but no starches and proteins and no fruits combined with either starches or proteins), but I'm paying more attention and trying to do my best. Every little bit helps.

Anyway, so that's my progress so far in a nutshell in terms of coffee detoxing, thyrogen, gluten-free eating, and food combining. Now for a bit of down time and peace...<3

Day 4 of coffee detox.

Yesterday was day 4 of the coffee detox. Due to feeling lethargic and out of it, not so much a result of the detox, but due to other health-related reasons (ie. thyrogen injection #1 and first day period), I was not able to post last night about the day's experience (as I was worn down to the max and ended up spending the late hours chatting w/my bestie which gave me a much needed boost and took me away from the madness going on in my life right now), but thought I would catch up this morning, before another 'fun' day of thyrogen #2.

I did notice that mostly yesterday in the morning hours, I had a yearning for coffee and it persisted as I sat in the waiting room for my doctor's appointment. However, given my determination to persist with the detox, with this blog being one of the reasons pushing me to continue, I maintained my vow to not give into temptation. Posting about my progress on a daily basis has encouraged me to keep on and to not just give up as I have many times before. The blog itself is therefore a motivating factor for me. It helps me organize my thoughts and stay focused in terms of my purpose for continuing onward with this journey to a caffeine-free existence. I'm obviously not just giving up coffee for the sake of it. No ma'am, I am no martyr. I'm just looking for freedom from the chains to which I am confined by caffeine. The energy crashing, the anxiety skyrocketing, the addiction, I want to be free from these effects.

In addition to the morning coffee craving, I later in the evening last night felt tempted to have chocolate, particularly given the way I was feeling as a result of having received my first thyrogen injection (ie. nauseous, lethargic, and somewhat irritable). It was that feeling that 'I deserve just a bit of chocolate, I've been through a lot' that almost had me going for the chocolate chip cookies with reckless abandon. However, in my mind I went back to the reasons that I intend to stick with this caffeine-free diet. I don't want to do a repeat of last week's failed trial or the former week's attempt. I want to press forward and keep this thing moving at a steady pace. I've been doing so well thus far. Four days coffee free is a feat, however few days that may seem to some. Each day I make it without, is a small victory. I know I'm capable of getting past these cravings. They're just cravings, after all. They don't constitute an actual need other than to get a caffeine fix, from which it's difficult to detach myself the instant I become hooked again, at first sip. I'm trying to load up on other healthy fats and nutritious foods to make up for the benefits of caffeine and chocolate. Keeping focused on what I can have versus what I cannot, is the goal.

Day 3 of coffee detox.

Today was officially the third day of my coffee detox. It was another rather rough day, anxiety-wise. I thought the sweaty palms were long gone until I started wondering where they went and not long after I had sweaty palms. Is that not how it works? All is well and good, but if you fear something will occur, it rears its ugly head. Headache-wise, however, all was good, thank God. I still feel a bit foggy and just not completely myself, as in, my body is in a bit of shock wondering where in the heck the caffeine is. I have been noticing some strange tingling sensations in my face. Sometimes, I'll feel it in my nose or my chin or cheeks. It comes and goes, this sensation.

Another difference I noticed today is how my laughter has been affected by caffeine. Now, I actually feel it from deep within, as in, it's coming from a place of calm rather than a caffeinated high and I am able to fully experience it.

It's currently getting a bit late and I am feeling rather drowsy. Tonight after work, I went out and purchased several gluten free items to get me back on track in that regard, since the goal is not just to quit caffeine but rather to improve my all around health. Just to give a run down on my eats from today, I had a banana to start the day followed by oatmeal covered in cinnamon. For lunch I had an evol teriyaki chicken dish and for dinner I had chicken soup and a separate chicken breast on the side. As a snack I had an entire box of gluten free soft baked cookies and an open face avocado sandwich on gluten free bread.

The restlessness I have been experiencing still persists and I notice it most when I am talking to others. I seem to want to interject every second and railroad over the other person. It's rather unsettling, this feeling and I hope it soon passes and is part of the coffee withdrawal. It is after all, only day three, so I should not be so hard on myself. As far as coffee cravings, today I did not really have any intense desire to have any. The only craving I had was when I went food shopping and came across several chocolate chip cookie options and wavered a bit on whether or not I should buy a package and if it would even be healthy not to treat myself to chocolate during my period. I feel like it's a necessity, chocolate, during that time of month. I can't remember the last time I went without chocolate during my period. I guess it is kind of weird that I have this fear that if I don't have chocolate during my period, it will do me harm. I doubt it will. I will just have to be sure to load up on the nutrients it provides, in other forms.

Another side effect to quitting coffee has been the changes I have noticed in my hair texture. Will have to keep an eye on that, as I'm not sure what's going on there.

Day 2 of coffee detox.

Yesterday was my second day off coffee, and all caffeine for that matter. An eye twitch manifested itself and I still felt tired and unmotivated, but there was no brutal headache or an absolute need to go to bed early, which I had the first day. However, I still felt tired and could have used a bit more rest, but I decided to stay up a bit longer than expected last night. One thing I have noticed is that my anxiety seems to have worsened a bit, which is rather unpleasant, especially when I am at work and wound tight as ever with my heart beating all out of whack. It has been difficult focusing and I feel restless overall during the day. However, I have been falling asleep much more easily and dreaming! It's been quite some time since I have dreamed. I am pretty sure coffee is the culprit for my lack of dreams as I had a very vivid series of dreams last night as well as the night before. Also, I have not been awakening in the middle of the night, say 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. which is of benefit to not have to stress about not getting sufficient sleep. I have been merely waking up a half and hour or so before my alarm goes off, which is nothing major and not nearly as bothersome as the tossing and turning in the middle of the night.

Aside from giving up coffee, I have also given up dairy and gluten; that is, until yesterday when I needed something...something to help me make it through this detox period. While caffeine is totally off limits and I refuse to go there because I have gone back and forth so many times and given in to the point of madness and I really want to give it up for a decent time period to see how I feel when I'm off it for a while, I decided giving into the dairy and gluten fix for a day would not be the end of the world. For me, dairy and gluten are not nearly as addictive as my coffee. A few days ago, I decided I would not have my usual Tuesday pizza but all bets were off after a grueling work day, and I could not resist temptation. While it felt good going down, it ended up not being such a great idea, as my stomach was gurgling and making all sorts of weird noises (as is the case when I ingest something that is unacceptable to my digestive system) and I became bloated. Today (Day 3), I woke up to facial flushing and huge circles under my eyes. Therefore, I think it is clear I have some sort of sensitivity to gluten and/or dairy and will be refraining from items containing same. The other tidbit I wanted to add is the fact that yesterday as a snack, I had some corn chips and mango salsa and noticed my lips became inflamed as I was eating these foods, so I am wondering if it is the corn that could be another item I do not digest well.

I am definitely enjoying the fact that eliminating coffee has made me want to revamp my entire diet, so as to clear out any toxins, or anything that is of detriment to my immune system. So starts day 3 of the caffeine detox and back on the gluten free train... will see how it goes. To report back later.

Day 1 of coffee detox.

The migraine is setting in right now. Okay, maybe it's not quite a migraine, but it is a pretty intense headache at this point. Today, I felt really out of it. I was lethargic and had difficulty concentrating at work, and was not motivated to do much. Aside from feeling tired, I also had an ever so slight headache. This has seemed to intensify within the last hour or so. It will likely not dissipate until tomorrow. I am pretty sure sitting in front of this brightly lit monitor is not doing me any favors, but I would be doing myself a disservice if I were not to document my journey through the withdrawal period and beyond, because I am determined to make it this time and think it will benefit me to be able to reflect upon my successes in making it through each day. My appetite returned with a vengeance today. I basically inhaled my lunch, that's how ravenous I was. I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. For dinner, I had chicken soup, followed by popcorn coated in olive oil and salt as a snack. Lunch was a lentil dish poured over basmati rice. Finally, I had blue corn chips with mango salsa as a treat to top off the night. My main focus this week will be to take care of myself and give my body what it needs, so rest it will be for the remainder of tonight. I'm about to take a warm shower to decompress and then maybe I'll continue to plot my novel. The one facet of my routine I have been neglecting these past few days has been meditation, so I need to definitely carve out some time for that, if not tonight, tomorrow for sure, even if just for fifteen minutes.

Side note: The one difference between my perusing the internet tonight versus the other night, is that I am not focusing on finding solutions to those questions in my mind but rather am going online for entertainment purposes. More on why this is good for me, later.

Caffeine detox.

Tomorrow is the first day of my caffeine detoxification. I have been attempting to do this for weeks now and have had limited success, which I hope to expand upon beginning tomorrow. This past week, I managed to not have any caffeine Sunday through Tuesday, but I felt the urge to go to Wawa on Wednesday and grab me a cup of coffee, not only to boost my mood. I was tired and a bit down, and needed a pick me up and the act of doing something devious filled my heart with glee. I was literally on cloud nine as I headed to Wawa on foot, and was unable to contain my excitement. No lie, it kind of felt orgasmic. When I got there, staring at the beautiful jugs of assorted flavors of java, I grabbed a 12 oz empty cup and went for that jug which was labeled 'Regular.' Empty it was, as were the other three with the same label. Maybe that was a sign to stop while I was ahead, but I disregarded it and requested that a 'Regular' container be refilled and in one fell swoop it was replaced with a full one, and I proceeded to fill mine, covered it with a plastic top, and slipped a red straw inside and headed for the register.

The woman who replaced the empty coffee containers proudly responded that they had full containers on hand, when I expressed surprise that they were ready to go, as she said at 'this hour, we go through them so fast, so we have many pre-filled' This made me feel less guilty for my deviance. After all, everyone else was filling up to the max at this hour. Who would I be not to join in on the fun? As I stood in line, and the line was rather long, I had some time to contemplate my decision to curtail the caffeine withdrawal period. However, I figured I made it this far in filling up the cup. There was just no way I would let it go to waste. So there I was, at the register. I swiped my card, and beamed as I headed out the door and all the way back to the office. I was like a kid in a candy store on a shopping spree. Everything I could ever want was at my fingertips and I was allowed to revel in the joy of the present moment to the fullest extent, because I knew that I would soon taste the richness that I so longed for, and would be able to savor it throughout the remainder of the day.

Of course it then became pointless for me to resist the urge to consume coffee the remainder of the week, as I could not very well start abstaining again when only a few days remained until the end of the work week and the weekend was approaching. Furthermore, I just didn't feel like having the first day headaches smack dab in the middle of the week. At least if I started earlier in the week, my self control would be more intact. I figured, just a few more days and I would begin again. An unfortunate part of this story, is that I do not do well with moderation, so of course, this momentary caffeine fix led to me later purchasing a pack of mint patties and some chocolate bars and indulging in those as well as coffee the rest of the week, through today. The resultant side effects of such caffeine consumption on my part has prompted me to re-evaluate why exactly I wished to halt my caffeine intake in the first place and I now feel a renewed motivation to start this detoxification process tomorrow. Another reason I am documenting these adverse side effects is to hopefully remind myself why I need to limit my caffeine intake to the occasional treat rather than make it a regular indulgence. This is because in my case, it seems to do more harm than good. Sure it's a delight and a pick-me-up, and heightens concentration, and has health benefits, but it also has its detriments, which I will detail below. This is not to say these are side effects everyone will experience. I think I am particularly sensitive to stimulants, such as caffeine, so these side effects are simply more magnified in my case:

My list of reasons as far as why I wish to abstain from routine caffeine consumption:

1. Anxiety: This is probably the most concerning side-effect. It causes my heart to beat at what seems to be lightning speed and my thoughts to race also. Other anxiety symptoms which surface include excessive sweating, increased pulse rate, and an inability to fully wind down and relax. At times, when I have too much caffeine, it's a definite feeling of discomfort in terms of the manner in which my heart beats.

2. Restlessness: I wake up at odd hours of the night and have difficulty going back to sleep. Going along with the first point, my mind is on overdrive to the point that it is difficult to rest, period. When I eliminate caffeine, my mind is more calm overall and my mind and body feel much more at ease, thereby making it easier to sleep soundly.

3. Hair thinning: The hair at the top of my forehead area thins when I consume caffeine. My hair as a whole seems to thin, yet it is the top of my forehead where it is most prominent. This thickens as soon as I discontinue the caffeine, so I know it is the culprit.

4. Moodiness, irritability, shortened fuse anger-wise: Enough said.

5. Energy crashing: I will feel a surge of energy while consuming the caffeine, yet it all comes tumbling down within a few hours and I then feel foggy and like crap. This causes me to become unmotivated and less productive in the long run. The energy crash effect seems to be cumulative, I have noticed. For instance, four days into a regular caffeine consumption routine, I feel much more lethargic and foggy than I did the first day. Granted, this is likely also given my lack of moderation control. For instance, today I had a cup of coffee and tonight, about a half of a chocolate bar, so I have upped the caffeine, causing my energy level to become less stable.

6. Skin issues: During my withdrawal period this past week, my skin took on a more dewy appearance and looked more hydrated. When I drink coffee, I notice my skin becomes patchy and less even toned.

7. Dry mouth: My salivary glands do not function properly when I consume coffee. They dry up and my mouth becomes so noticeably parched. It also contributes to me becoming dehydrated and diminishes my desire to drink water, further exacerbating the issue.

8. Decreased appetite: The longer I get hooked on caffeine, the worse my appetite becomes. Like my energy, my appetite also becomes less regular/stable.

9. Physique: I look better when I drop the caffeine from my diet. I look more shapely, whereas caffeine makes me lose some of my curves, namely in my hips/buttocks area and breast area.

10. Clean teeth: I don't have to worry as much about acid build up and enamel erosion when I do not consume caffeinated products. My confidence in smiling subsequently increases, which is of course an added benefit.

11. Obsessiveness: When I get into the habit of drinking coffee, getting my fix becomes a primary concern rather than just a background choice. I find myself thinking about coffee often and feel like I need the fix and cannot get enough of it, whereas when I do not drink coffee, I wake up feeling refreshed and not so focused on my need for this particular pick-me-up throughout the day.

Writing Chronicles. Part I.

What I have realized in attempting my first novel (which is very much incomplete at this point as I'm just getting started):

Coffee is a friend. I cannot emphasize the importance of a good brew sitting beside you and allowing yourself to sip away into the depths of paradise as you explore your literary conscious. I dream of being able to have my one cup in the morning, or rather fantasize about it quite often, and grow increasingly excited for it as the night goes on and daylight is only a few hours away.

Crankiness is expected. When you cannot formulate a thought for whatever reason, be it any excuse you may conjure, you will likely lash out (esp at loved ones), which is expected (but not excusable), given the frustration of not knowing where the heck you’re going, whether or not you’re making any sense, and why the heck you cannot sit still and think cohesively. Feeling like you’re on the verge of giving up, but realizing that even that is hopeless, is yet another curious, yet unnerving side-effect of the cranky attitude you may experience. 

Never is there enough time. There are many occasions I have such grandiose intentions. Take this past holiday weekend. I had three days off work, yet accomplished very little in terms of writing despite planning in my mind to write a bit each day. Another issue I had described to a friend this weekend how frustrating it is getting back to the piece and moving forward, particularly as I feel drained at the end of the work day and have no energy to think let alone write outside of work, during the work week, and if I do write, I beat myself up for it likely being incoherent given my lack of concentration. Proof: I can’t remember what I just wrote. I suck as a person and writer. Here we go. Okay, so Saturday, I did manage to keep my ass planted in a chair for an hour as I contemplated a plot, wrote a few lines, and pondered how pathetic my efforts are and will ever be. I decided to write from 9 o’clock to 10 o’clock tonight and succeeded, almost. I think I started twenty minutes after nine which isn’t too bad and is at least better than yesterday. At least I’m making up for it a bit, given that I took a break from nine to ten and resumed at eleven. The point is, no matter how minimal of a time period you write, it's all good, and there is always time, even if you need to sneak in five minutes before going to a party, for instance. It's pretty much therefore the difference between can't and won't. Make the time. Don't choose not to, but if you need a break, don't beat yourself up over it. 

Perfectionism will weaken you and is your enemy, so stay clear of it. Do you promise you will write the same time every day, for the same number of minutes? What happens if you don’t? Inevitably, you will plunge into the depths of despair since you can’t even keep the commitment to your writing goals. Don’t believe this thought. This will merely prolong the state of writer’s dismay. You gotta do what you can do and let it go at that. The only promise you should make is that writing will be a priority; it is nothing more, nothing less. If you make it any less than a priority, you won’t ever make the time. If you make it more than a priority, you will find yourself daunted at the thought of actually doing it and obsessing over how little you accomplish and this will serve as an obstacle to continue forward with your efforts.

Be alert, or at least, you may feel better if you are at least somewhat awake. If you’re so fatigued that every swipe of the keys (or pencil/pen) is a drag and it’s killing you, then maybe you’re better off napping and resuming when you’re less lethargic. That’s not to say some of the most spot-on thoughts aren’t emanating from your subconscious onto the page when you can hardly keep your eyes open, so it’s not necessary that one be alert, I’m merely advising myself of this as I feel my head bobbing slowly back and forth and am hoping and praying I have the energy to press on with my novel writing tomorrow and that my current low level of energy and alertness doesn't have a delayed negative impact.

Don’t stop. It’s nearly impossible to stop writing nowadays when it’s a required part of our existence. Email is the primary method of communication for most workers. Journaling is easy as all you need is a pen or pencil, a notepad, and a few moments, however brief, to jot down your thoughts and feelings. Therefore, it could be perceived that to say not to stop writing is superfluous. However, when I say don’t stop, what I really mean, is to work towards your writing goals, to the best of your ability, each and every day. This is how one improves skill-wise in those particular writing endeavors. If you dedicate your time to writing emails and passing the time writing professional or other correspondence, sure this benefits you, but not to the same extent that writing a piece that you want to write for the betterment of society and yourself, on a more grand scale, will.

As they say, and I’m not sure who they is, or who this phrase belongs to, and I realize this contains my own personal adornments, but I leave you with:

Writing is not for the faint of heart, narrow of mind, or weak of soul.

Good luck in your writing pursuits. Keep on keeping on. We’re in this together.